"So how was last night?" I asked Leo while popping two multivitamins into my mouth.
"Why does your eye look like it exploded? You look horrible."
"Oh, I must have slept in my contacts."
"Those girls aren't that cool, man. I'm never hanging out with them again. Let me take that back; Lisa was kind of cool, but Ann sucked."
Leo went on to tell me that after I had left, he spent the evening having to remove his hand from Ann's crotch. While in bed she kept placing his hand and he would retract it. This happened multiple times before he decided it was probably best he slept on the ground. Something tells me he wasn't into her. Definitely the actions of a girl who just has just gotten out of a relationship. I guess you have to respect that she doesn't play games.
I chuckled at his highlight recap and threw my vomit-soaked clothes into the washer. We had another party to attend out in Malibu. Leo's boss was throwing a birthday bbq at his private beach house with the promise of food and booze. Just thinking about alcohol was making me gag, but the free food was enticing.
The bbq was fun, but not really ideal for a couple of single guys looking to meet new girls. The party consisted of about 25 gay guys and then... us. I'm not kidding you that at one point a game of volleyball took place and I swear "Playing with the Boys" came on the sound system. Straight out of Top Gun. That literally happened. Jack eventually showed up and had a retelling of my vom-fest adventure, while expressed his amazement that I was able to not get a single drop in the car. What can I say, I'm a considerate puker?
Around 8, I get a call from Lisa. She tells me that she is on her way with Ann to join us at the bbq and this was a bit of a shock to me (as well as Jack and Leo). Leo must have invited them last night. I was pretty excited to have them there, but Jack and Leo didn't share my sentiment.
But after a few drinks, they warmed up to them a bit. Wanting a change of scenery, we grabbed our crew and went to a bar in Santa Monica. Fast forward to closing time...
Ann is laying on a couch, boob popping out of her dress. Jack is fighting off the onslaught that is a drunken Lisa. Leo is giving me death stares from across the bar. The journey to the car is a rough one. Lisa is latched onto Leo, who is continuing to shoot daggers at me from over his shoulder. Ann is taking her time, stumbling in her heels, begging me to get her food. We can't take them back to their car in Malibu, they have to stay out our place for the night.
I could write an entire entry for the drive home. Ann is out like a light and homegirl can saw a log (snore) like no other. Lisa is trying to figure out where we are, where we can get fast food, and where her heels are. Quotes from the car:
"Let's go to Del Taco! I have a hundred dollars! I'll pay for you guys. Can you guys pay for my Del Taco? I only have a hundred dollars."Just to see how fucked up she really was, I called her from my cellphone in the front seat. We continue to have a 4 minute conversation, with her having no idea I'm right in front of her. I can't make this up.
- Lisa
"Hey, let's stop by a hardware store and pick up a sack of lye, a wheel barrow, and a hacksaw!"
- Leo
We park. I race into the house and make up the pullout bed. Leo is struggling to get Ann out of the car and finally gets her into the house. Ann immediately steps into Leo's room to "pass out"... a clever move, but Leo wasn't having it. He decides to sleep on the couch and give up the fight. The log sawing beings once more. One down, one to go.
Meanwhile, Lisa has mentioned "food" about a 150 times, so I make her a bowl of ramen. While I'm cooking it, she devours some left over spaghetti in the fridge. I give her a glass of water and slide the bowl of steaming soup over to her. Her eyes half open, head nodding off a la' a college lecture in the spring quarter heat, she picks the noodles out with her hands, holds them inches above her mouth and drops them in; spilling them on herself and on the floor. I am sitting back in the chair right across from her, my weary head resting on my knuckles... chuckling to myself while she describes her crush on Jack to me. "Am I pretty? Do you think I'm pretty? He doesn't think I'm pretty. I'm pretty right? Don't you think so?"
"Yes, Lisa. You are very pretty" (in the most monotone voice imaginable)
Suddenly her phone rings.
Lisa: Jack?? Hey, you should come over. Do you know how to get here? Hold on.
-Lisa passes her cell to me-
My inner monologue: Jack is going to come over? No way. Wait. He knows how to get here...
-I grab her phone-
So@24: Hey Jack, what's going on?
"Jack": Hey, how do I get there?
So@24: Wait a second... do I know you?
"Jack": I don't think so, I just met that girl tonight at the bar. So, what's your address?
So@24: Look dude, there's been some mistake. I don't even know you and you're not coming over. Goodnight.
Lisa has already forgotten I was on the phone. She finishes her meal and goes out to the living room to join Leo. I go into my room and pull out a pair of soccer shorts and a t-shirt for Lisa to
wear (I've dealt with my fair share of blacked out girls in my time). Through a miracle of some greater being, she is able to slide on the soccer shorts under her dress, but asks Leo to help her get her dress off. She had a sash-like thing around her dress and at some point, must have triple knotted it. Lisa raises her arms like a child getting dressed for the first snow day and Leo undoes the knot. And she slips off her dress and Leo puts on the shirt for her. In front of us. Leo and I exchange looks of disbelief and exhaustion.She wants another bowl of ramen. She slurps it down and I stay up with her until she finishes.
Everyone goes to bed... finally. I wake up at 9:30 to our guests giggling in Leo's room.
I'm absolutely amazed at how fresh they are. No sign of a hangover and no one booted. I guess every cloud has a silver lining, eh?
Leo declines to join me in the ride BACK to Malibu to get their car (I guess I deserved that). The ride isn't that bad; they sang along to John Denver's "Take Me Home, Country Roads" and Chicago's "You're My Inspiration". I smiled to myself... I have to admit it's refreshing to be with girls who don't mind belting out the classics while in wrinkled wrinkled party dresses and messy hair.
So@24: What are you guys going to do for the rest of the day?
Lisa: So, I think Ann and I are going to go to a bar back home, grab a few beers and watch the football game!
-jaw drops open-
Some things you just have to laugh off.
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Now playing: Blues Traveler - The Hook