First off. For the record, I'm not gay. But I'm not a homophob either. So when my friend Michael begged us to go to The Abbey for his 25th birthday, who was I to object? Los Angeles Magazine refers to it as "the best gay bar to bring a straight friend to."
We all file out of the cab and head past the gate at the front of the bar. It's actually a really cool bar: outdoor heat lamps, plenty of outdoor booths and tables, there are a lot of mini-bars scattered throughout the complex, a dance floor, etc. The Abbey was absolutely packed and although I don't think I've ever experienced an "eye fuck" before... I'm pretty sure I'm a veteran now.
My friend Veronica was with us that evening and I said I would get the first round of drinks. Not thirty seconds from when I saddled up to the bar, did a mustached man wearing an almost-transparent black top strike up a conversation with me over the roar of La Bouche's "Be My Lover".
Mustache: It's pretty happenin' tonight!
So@24: Yeah, I've never been here before. Is it normally this crowded?
Mustache: You've never been here before? Really??
So@24: Nope.
Mustache: Well, let me be the first to welcome you to the Abbey, cutey.
So@24: -nervous chuckle- Thank you. I'm sure I'll see you around.
I grab our drinks and head back to find Veronica and the rest. Our crew has somehow managed to commandeer a table outside. I tell everyone about my admirer and it gets a chuckle as we throw back our Redbull vodkas. Looking around, I'm definitely aware that I'm getting a lot of looks. Stares. A unique experience. This is what it must be like for girls at straight bars, I'm assuming.
Funny thing about alcohol; it makes you have to pee eventually. I make my way to the room in the back and this is the first time I've ever seen an enormous line for the men's room and absolutely nothing for the women's. A urinal opens up and as I go about my business, my eyes are directed to a little television screen above. It looks like a spring break video, but instead of busty, bikini-clad women... it's shirtless dudes in jean shorts. Weird. My own personal beach party is broken up when I hear behind me, "You have a pretty big dick for an Asian."
Did I just hear someone say, "[my] dick is pretty big for an Asian"? I look over my shoulder and the guy who just made the comment is exiting the room and winks at me. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or be offended. I guess I could appreciate his directness.
Weaving through the crowd to get back to our table, my shoulder is tapped and it's a circle of guys.
So@24: Oh hey. What's going on?
Random Guy 1: We've just been watching you talk to your friends all night and wondering when you were going to come over and introduce yourself to us.
- the circle laughs -
So@24: Ahhh. Well, yeah it's my friends birthday.
Random Guy 2: It's our friends birthday too! Don't you think you should give him a birthday kiss?
- the circle laughs -
So@24: That'd be alright, if I was gay!
- the circle, in unison, gives a disappointed "Awwwwwwwwww!"
Random Guy 1: You're not gay??
So@24: 'Fraid not.
Random Guy 2: That's too bad.
So@24: Thanks. Well, I'll see you guys later.
How easy would it be to be a gay guy? Seriously?!