Chutes and Lad-Her's

A few emails have popped up in my inbox asking me, "Are you really as okay as you sound in your response?"; referring to when my ex girlfriend dropped the news on me that she started seeing someone seriously.

To be honest, I'm actually strangely calm about it. This will be the second relationship she has been in since our break up (that's a total of 3 relationships for Lynn, if you're keeping count) and her revealing it to me this time is astronomically better than the first time around!

That being said, am I going to invite her new guy out to join me for a couple of suds, go in for a bro hug, and bond over "Have you tried this one on her?" stories? Probably not. But I meant everything I said to her in my email back to her and I do wish her well.

Lynn and I have talked a couple of times since she informed me about her new relationship. She'll subtly try and slide him into the conversation ("He came over for dinner the other night" or "... and since I'm kind of seeing someone now..."), but I refuse to take the bait. I think that she wants to tell me about him, like any friend would want to when they are still in that honeymoon stage of new relationships.

I'm sure she wants me to ask questions and have me be interested, as any good friend should. But, I just can't bring myself to indulge her and urge her to tell me more about him. I'm still very much an "ignorance is bliss" kinda guy. I'd rather delay for as long as I can the fact that some day, I'll have to eventually learn his name, what he looks like, and all other details until that come with knowing someone.

I mean for this to be a segue to something I've found myself struggling with, these past couple of weeks. I've found myself comparing where I'm at in the romance department with everyone around me. Probably not healthy and I know that I gain nothing from this, but I've discovered that it's force that I can't stop!

For example... Leo, who makes a conscious effort to keep his toe out of the dating pool, gets set up by a friend to a cocktail party with a very attractive girl. A cute blind date (although if you mention the D-word within earshot of Leo, he'll fight it tooth and nail) who he ends up having uninhibited, drunken sex within the very first night of meeting her!

God, I miss drunk sex.

Jack happens to mentions in conversation, that at a party, he made out with a girl in her car. I'm barely able to focus on any of the other details about the party as I am completely baffled how he can be so damn casual about this! To him (and the rest of the world, it seems), it's like a fucking to-do list one would quickly scribble on a notepad on a lazy Sunday afternoon:

1. Pick up milk, eggs, and jar of sweet pickles
   
2. Drop off a package to Aunt Silvia at the post office
   
3. Meet girl at party, follow her to car and make out
   
4. Walk the neighbor's border collie

People are still making out in cars??

God, I miss making out in cars.

And out of complete boredom (and maybe a pinch of masochism), I've clicked through Facebook profiles of my old high school acquaintances and said through gritted teeth, "This fucking guy better not have a cute girlfriend" and when this indeed turns out to be the case, I quickly close out the window in bitter frustration.

I just reread that. I'm disgusted with myself.

I know I'm not being fair to myself by trying to compare where I'm at on the game board of romance to those around me. But, fuck! I keep landing on the damn chutes and everyone else is climbing ladders.

But what we know to be good for us and actually acting on it, often times we find that it isn't a union that comes easy. I'm finding myself more and more obsessed with the "when is it my turn?!" mentality.

"I've paid my dues!" is all I can whine about though. I should be happy that my best friend is breaking his dry spell and sleeping with hot girls on Date One. And good for my buddy Jack for bringing it back to the roots and coppin' a feel in a motor vehicle.

I really am okay with where Lynn is at now. As okay with it as I can be as an ex boyfriend of six years.

I think that when I am steadily seeing someone (or at the very least, having sex consistently!) I will be even more "okay". Maybe even able to have full conversations about it like real friends do.

I just can't do it feeling like I'm such a loser for being so far behind, awkwardly adjusting and readjusting my position in the starting block while she is near the finish line about to enjoy having a giant victory tub of Gatorade poured on her.

A Funny Happened on the Way to Check My Email

To: So@24
From: Lynn

Time: 9:42pm
Date: December 17, 2008

Heeeeeey.

All right Nervous Nancy...

So just because Facebook might have awkwardly 'informed' you (and I don't want you finding stuff out about my life that way), I thought you should know that I am seeing someone. Not that you want to hear about that kind of stuff, and not that you like to know, but I figured I should show you the courtesy of telling you instead of you finding out via Facebook.

Anyways he's not my boyfriend yet, and it's still new, but all I did was make a change to my profile and it informed all of Facebook world and everyone is freaking out (i.e.: "ohohohlalala" and "go Lynn!" comments). I assumed you were doing so in private. Hahaha.

Mmmk so that is that. Dunno how much you want to know, etc... but he knows about you, knows we are close friends, etc and thinks you sound like a cool guy.

Hope we can be cool with all of this... Sorry if I am making it more awkward than it really is.

Come home in one piece beardy and stop obsessing with my roommate :)

- Meeeeeeeee
[Lynn]


To: Lynn
From: So@24

Time: 10:35pm
Date: December 17, 2008

I was waiting for this message to come.

I can't tell you how many gchats, emails and phone calls I got asking me,

"Dude, what's going on with Lynn? Facebook says Lynn is 'no longer listed as single'. What's going on??"

And all I could respond with was shrugging my shoulders and saying, "Well, maybe she's in a relationship?"

I don't need to know the details or anything. I'm glad you've found someone and I hope that it blossoms into something great. He just better appreciate everything about you!

You know my only rule for you: No settling!

We're cool as we always have been, no awkwardness... I promise.

Hope things are well (and it sounds like they are) and I'll see you next week!

As for your roommate, you don't need to worry. She's short, cute, funny, and can quote some of the great movies that most girls don't appreciate. Unfortunately, she's your roommate and probably isn't interested in atheists.

Best,
me
[So@24]

What's in a Cobbler?

This one goes out to all the guys who have remained friends with their ex girlfriend and then get invited to spend Thanksgiving with her only to discover that you need to bring a dish or else you look like a total chancy.

...

Just me?

Lynn had invited me to spend Thanksgiving with her roommate and her roommate's friend when she heard that I planned on being alone that day.

So@24: Should I bring something?
Lynn: You're going to make something?
So@24: What? You don't think I can make something? Oh, I can make something, sister.
Lynn: Well, if you'd like to make something, you're more than welcome to.

That was it. Now I had to make something. My ex had thrown down a gauntlet (teasing, of course), but now I had to rise to the challenge.

I felt an unexplainable urge to show up and play ball. I'm at a loss for words on how to describe this weird obligation to prove to this figure of the past that I am capable of at least constructing something of worth. Maybe it only makes sense to those guys who there who have been in this similar situation. This dish would be a representation of who I am! A symbol that I am accomplished!

Now what the fuck was I going to make?

I immediately called up my cousin Mimi and told her, "I need to make something to bring to Lynn's Thanksgiving feast. It needs to be delicious. It needs to be something that will not bring the fire brigade of North Hollywood to a burnt out shell of a condo."

Mimi suggested I make a simple cobbler.

I don't even know what a cobbler really is. What's the difference between that and a pie? Fuck it, I don't really need the details I just need to make it.

My cousin emailed me a list and I was off to the grocery store to embark on my quest to prove my valor.

Mimi's list was pretty easy, but with the added pressure of having to make this cobbler edible, I began to second guess myself on every item. I must have made at least 4 separate phone calls to her while wandering the aisles aimlessly.

So@24: What the hell are "pineapple tidbits"? I mean, I see pineapple "halves", pineapple "medley". Did you actually mean to say "tidbits" or are you just trying to be cutesy?
Cousin Mimi: Yes, I meant to write "tidbits". It's a real thing. There should be a can listed as "tidbits".

So@24: You said a can of pie filling. What size?
Cousin Mimi: -sigh- Not the size of a "normal" can. Think short and fat, like a Progresso soup can.
So@24: Oh, that's much easier. Why didn't you just say it that way?

So@24: Shit. I know you said to get cake mix, but I see that they actually have premade pie crusts here! I should just get that instead, right?
Cousin Mimi: You aren't making a pie, idiot. You're making a cobbler. The cake mix makes the crust.
So@24: How does powder just "magically" turn into a crust? I don't need milk or eggs? I'm pretty sure you need milk and eggs.
Cousin Mimi: Goddammit! Stop calling me and follow the recipe! Trust me!

I went home with my ingredients and prepped everything so that I could make it first thing the next morning.

On Thanksgiving day, Lynn met me outside of her apartment to let me in. She took a glance at my pathetic pan of cobbler and gave an "Awwwww..." like you do when you see a Youtube video of a puppy trying to take its first steps, but stumbles adorably.

I scratched the back of my head and tried to explain my finished masterpiece.

So@24: It has some weird powder on the corners, probably the cake mix, but I think it turned out okay?
Lynn: I wasn't going to say anything, but since you pointed it out... -coy smile-
So@24: Alright, alright just grab this icecream and go inside will you?

Turns out, Lynn's roommate's friend is a fucking culinary student. He prepared the entire meal and even a dessert. Lynn just "happened" to not mention that to me so that I would be forced to bring something. She thought it was "funny" to see me go through all that stress and wanted to see what I would bring.

Goddammit.

The result: It turned out to be decent. I made something edible and proved my worth. Mission accomplished for the single guy.

I guess the cobbler really did turn out to be a manifestation of myself; Not much to look like, but if you give it a taste you might be surprised that you can choke it down.

...

Alright that was lame even for me.

So@24's Easy Cobbler for Those Who Need to Put on
a Decent Showing for Your Ex-Girlfriend's Dinner

Ingredients

• 2 short, fat cans of pie filling; I used cherry, but I'm sure you can use whatever.
• 1 stick of butter
• One box of yellow or white cake mix; I used "vanilla bean" because it sounded fucking fancy
• 9" X 13" pan
• 1 can of pineapple tidbits; yes, it should actually say "tidbits"

Directions

• Cover bottom of pan with tidbits. Spread evenly.
• Throw pie filling on top of that. Spread it.
  
• Sprinkle the entire box of cake mix on top of that.
• Slice butter into thin slices and place on top of cake mix making sure it covers as much area as possible. The places you don't place it will be powdery.
  
• Toss that bitch in the oven on 375 degrees for approx 35 mins.
• Serve with ice cream

Note: I guess having powder on the corners where you missed the butter spots isn't that bad
Note 2: When you check on it in the oven and the cobbler starts waving and bubbling, I guess that's totally normal. Don't panic, like I did.

My Ex-Girlfriend's Post Pt. 2: Readers' Questions Answered

'Allo all.

Here is the second part to Lynn's guest post. I hesitated posting this for quite sometime, because I try to make a conscious effort to post entries that only fit the theme of the blog.

Also, Lynn says a lot of nice things in here and I didn't want it to come off like I was using her Q & A as a showcase of how "great" and "wonderful" of a person I am. It's like blog masturbation and I'm not a fan of that.

However, you guys are an insatiable bunch! I received a ton of emails inquiring about when this post would go live, so I caved.

This post was completely driven by readers. These are the questions that you posted as comments or emailed to me directly. So if it's terrible... I blame you. If you don't see your specific question listed, it's because it was similar to another one and it got scrapped on the cutting room floor. My b.



Oh and Maxie, I didn't post your blow job question, but the answer was "no". It's okay, I cried a little inside too.

Enjoy!
So@24

* * *

How did you find SO's blog?

It’s pretty complicated, but one day I was on a friend of his’ My Space page, and on it was a link to her blog. I clicked on it, was reading her blog, and then started clicking around on her friend’s blog links. Apparently I clicked on his because all of a sudden I was his cartoon drawings and “Starting Over at 24” and knew it was him! I freaked because at this time we weren’t speaking, and so knowing what he was doing and thinking wasn’t something I wasn’t ready for!

How did you feel about him blogging about you and your relationship?

I honestly don’t mind it at all. I believe that it’s therapeutic for him, and gives a lot of people insight into his world, so it does nothing but help. As long as he doesn’t trash talk me to the public, I’m good!

How do you feel about SO and your mom being friends?

When he and I were in the worst part of our break up (not speaking) his relationship with her really, really bothered me. I actually asked my mom to stop talking to him, and so she lied and said she would… but didn’t. Lame. Looking back I don’t really blame her though, due to their close relationship, but for a while it did bug me. Now I have no problem with it. My mom was like a 2^nd mother to him, and their relationship is very unique… so I respect that.

Why were you and your ex-bf in couple’s therapy? 



Oh man, I knew I’d get this one! I was livid when I read that So@24 posted that on here, but looking back I really don’t blame him. It IS pretty pathetic. My ‘other’ ex and I were in therapy because we fought too much. I am a huge committer and so I was determined to make it work until it was undeniably broken. I soon after discovered that it was really, really broken. Hahahaha. Ugh. And it was just free counseling at my university… so it wasn’t super professional or anything. Does that make it any less weird?! Haha probably not.

What advice do you have for SO in order to expedite his mission of getting laid? 



He needs to get the balls to approach more girls! This is his biggest struggle due to his lack of confidence. He thinks girls aren’t into him, and so he doesn’t approach them. He just needs practice, some ‘liquid courage’ IF you know what I mean… and really, just needs to be himself. I did him, so he isn’t a freaking mutant!

Do you seriously not read SO's blog?



I do read it now, now that I have his ‘okay’ and we are at a place where we are cool. Before I didn’t read it after the day I first discovered it. It just upset me too much, and held me back from moving on… which I wasn’t into. So honestly, no I didn’t read it! WILL POWER!

What did your second boyfriend have that SO didn't have?

Wow, wow, wow, ballsy question!!! That really isn’t the way it worked though. He didn’t have anything that So@24 didn’t… he was just the opposite of So@24 in every way, shape and form, and that is what drew me to him (and eventually pushed me away from him too). In my state of clouded judgment, I went for it. Lame, but that’s what happened.

What first attracted you to him?

His humor. He has in incredibly unique sense of humor, as do I, and so we were a really, really good match for each other in that way.

How do you feel about SO now and the comments he gets (most of which are "you're an awesome guy" etc)?

I admit that I feel really defensive at times. It makes me want to yell “you don’t know my side of the story!” but then I remind myself that his intention isn’t to be praised for being so wonderful, it just works out that way . He is honest with himself and knows he wasn’t perfect when we dated, so I don’t feel as much of a need now to defend my decision.

After reading So's blog did you see another side to him and maybe consider giving the relationship another go??



Give it another go? No. But what it does do is opens my eyes to how much he has grown since all of this, and therefore makes me happy knowing that it wasn’t all for nothing. He will be an amazing boyfriend to some girl some day, and I love knowing that I helped get him there.

How do you feel reading some of So's antics? Do you get all protective or are you as cool as a cucumber?

Due to the fact that he hasn’t dated a ton, I haven’t had a much of a chance to get super protective… but I will tell you now that I will be really upset if I have to watch him get fucked with. I do still care about him a ton, and so if girls start playing games with him and mess with his head and heart, it will be really hard to watch. I will just make sure to know my limits, respect our situation, but remind him to stand up for himself and his feelings.

If you could go back and change anything between you and So would you?

I would change the way we broke up. It was a messy and sad breakup, full of mistakes on my part and his. I would have not rebounded so soon, and ended things in a cleaner fashion. Could I have done that not knowing what I know now?

No way, but it would have made things a lot easier on both of us.

Have you considered writing your own blog?

I don’t write well enough to have ‘fans’ and I have no time. I am in grad school and working full time. I have just enough time for Facebook and MySpace, and that’s all. Hahaha.

If you could give So ONE piece of dating advice what would it be and why?

Oh my gosh, you do know that I ‘started over at 23,’ right?!? I have only been single for 11 months now, and so I am still so horribly naive when it comes to dating!

Honestly… have fun and be open minded, but be picky, have high expectations, learn from your mistakes, don’t play games, be honest and communicate.

Recognize red flags when you see them… and always remember: when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them.

How would you feel about being portrayed in a film written from your ex-boyfriend's point of view?

I actually trust that So@24 would respectfully portray me with taste and honesty.

Why do you think SO hasn't had sex with ANYONE since you? Is it his love for you that's keepin' him from getting it on or is it a mad case of high-school-game-itis?



I really don’t know because I’m not inside his head, but I pray that it’s the latter. I want him to get some ass. As awkward as that is to say about my ex boyfriend, he needs some. Two years is a long time to go without, and I want him to get experience so he can be amazing with his future wife ;) Not to say he sucks in bed (because he doesn’t at all!), but you can really learn a lot. Oh god, he probably is going to hate what that implies about me! Bwahahaha!

Do you think you two are friends because neither one of you are seeing anyone right now, so it's easy to be friends?

Good point. We are friends in the way that we want to be right now, because neither of us have to answer to anyone. If that changes, we are going to respect our "partner's" wishes though, and will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I know that I personally will always want to have a relationship with So@24 and don’t want some new guy trying to control it, but at the same time, I will make sure to prioritize the new relationship and respect boundaries and limits. I’ve told So@24 I want him to do the same, and make sure to never put me before a new girlfriend. That’s just asking for trouble, and your future happiness is more important than past relationships!

Best trait of SO?

I love his sense of humor, creative mind, imagination, sense of style (now, thanks Amy), laugh, writing ability, weirdness… and the fact that he is yet to be tainted by the LA game playing jerks of America!

What's the dealie-o with being friends with an ex who CLEARLY still loves you?

Um, I don’t think he still loves me like that. I trust him to be honest with himself enough to know if our friendship is good for him, or not. I do my best to be aware of his intentions, motives and feelings… but I’m not inside his head so I can’t know 100% what’s going on up there. But my best guess is that he is moving on.

Do you miss being with SO sometimes esp. since you guys seemed to have such an emotional bond?

I missed him as a person so much when we were apart, but now I have the fun friendship part back, minus the drama and bad stuff that came with dating each other! It really works out

If you don't have any romantic feelings for SO but are content being friends, would you offer him dating advice like his other chick friends do without feeling a tiny bit jealous?

We have JUST now gotten to the point in the friendship where we are talking about dating and our experiences in doing so… so now I do think I will be able to talk to him and help him out. Before? No way. Now? I think so. I really do want him to find someone to be happy with because he deserves that, and I don’t want to let my own jealousy get in the way. Why would I be jealous of something I chose to let go of too? That’d be lame! It’s also a way to gauge our “moving on-ness.” If we are real true friends who have moved on, we should be able to talk about that kind of stuff! … and now we are!

Were you friends right after you broke up or did you have to have some time off?

In order to cope we didn’t cut things off 100% right away (it was too overwhelming and sad to think about), but the moment I realized that it was preventing us from moving on, I decided we needed to cut things off. We didn’t see each other for around a year, and didn’t speak for over 8 months. It was so, so hard, but was the right thing to do for both of us.

What would you say was the one thing that contributed the most to breaking up with SO?

I wasn’t where I needed to be on his priority list, aka he wasn’t where I needed him to be after 6 years of dating.

Did any of what a lot of the commenters have said in response to SO's posts hurt or anger you?

Like I kinda mentioned above, I tended to get really defensive and want to explain my side a lot. It did hurt, and I wanted So@24 to defend me… but I got over it and now I try not to read what you guys say too much because I know it’s only one-sided (what you hear and know).

When you two decided to call it off, who was the person that decided to reach out first and be friends? And how long after the breakup did that take? Or was friendship part of the deal for the split itself, and in that case, how and why?

I reached out first because I was the one who cut off the communication. He left it up to me, and so I made the move when I felt ready. I made sure to see if he was ready too though, because I didn’t want him being sucked back in.

We went about 8 months not speaking, and over a year not seeing each other. It wasn’t in the plan of our break up (meaning we didn’t know what was going to happen), but I had to force myself to be content with the fact that I ended it with So@24, and then it would be his choice if we were to still be friends.

It wasn’t my decision to make because of the position I was in, so I let it stay out of my hands. I tried not to dwell on asking myself “will we will be friends??” too because it overwhelmed me, and scared me into not wanting to completely break up too. I just let it be, and so far have been so so so happy with the way it’s worked out. I know we are rare and lucky.

Is SO as funny in person as he is on his blog?

Funnier. Wittier on paper, but yeah for real… just as funny. It’s not fake.

Do you prefer SO blog to be anonymous or would you not care it is wasn't?

You mean would I care if he used names? I don’t think that would be a good idea just because of the nature of the internet, but it really isn’t a huge deal in my eyes.

After so many years of dating, why, after breaking up, do you still remain friends? If you can't be 'with' someone, why spend friendly time together?

Why would anyone be friends with the opposite sex then? Because you enjoy their company as a person, but don’t match with them relationally. So@24 and I are not a good match as a couple (fought too much, had a hard time communicating, etc) but work out great as friends since our feelings are less invested and intense.

I want to know if SO ever took the blue line off his eyes when you did it. Or did you like to make him leave it on?

Hahahaha oh man, sick! No the blue line was off… that only appeared after we ended things ;)

Up until this point, you haven't had to deal with So having another girlfriend (or even getting laid - sorry buddy!) How do you think it will make you feel/how do you think you'll handle it when the inevitable occurs? Has your relationship evolved into a solid enough friendship to weather that?

For a long, long time So@24 and I avoided talking about our dating experiences and interest in the opposite sex, simply because we knew it would make both of us uncomfortable. But now it is actually a big help in the way I gauge our friendship.

True platonic friends do talk about this kind of stuff: dating, sex, relationships, etc… and so I believe that if So@24 and I are real true friends without ulterior motives, we should be able to talk about it. Speaking for myself I know I will be okay with it. I want him to be happy, and I know that one day he will end up with someone else… and with that comes stories of dating and sex.

I wouldn’t have been ready 6 months ago, but I’m cool with it now. Only time will tell, but I’m prepared. I can’t say that he is ready to hear my stories yet (being that he freaked when he found out I had slept with someone else - haha), but it’ll just be something that we ease into over time. We are on our way.

Don't you think Gancey should take SO@24 on a hogging expedition for the ages?

Um, what?

Do you feel like you needed to become someone on your own, outside of your relationship and separately from the person who you grew up with through college? Do you feel like you became the person you are today only due to the fact that you are no longer with SO?

If you are asking if that was what was going through my mind when I broke it off with So@24, then the answer is no. But do I agree looking back that I have learned a lot about myself now that I am away from our relationship? Then the answer is yes. When So@24 and I ended our relationship, my initial intention was not to step away from the relationship and discover myself.

I really just didn’t think that we were a good match for each other, and so I thought we shouldn’t be together. Now that I have been away from the relationship and have grown up as a person on my own, I do think that it was a good choice on my part for myself to take that step back. I did need that push to be on my own and see what it was like to live for myself, instead of another person (So@24 really was my world).

Any regrets?

Regrets that our relationship is over? Sadly and bluntly, no. I think great things grew out of our break up for both of us, and we are much better people now because of this experience.

Regrets about how I handled myself in the breakup? Yes. I regret how I went about handling our break up, and for moving on so fast. I hate that my rebound-relationship expressed to So@24 that I didn’t love him as much as I did (I understand why though), and that I hurt him so much in all of this. That was never my goal, and if there was SOME way to break up with someone WITHOUT hurting them, then that’d be exactly what I’d have done… but sadly, that isn’t the case. There is no such thing.

I did things the best I knew how in that moment and time, but hindsight is always a killer. I didn’t know better at the time (meaning I had never gone through a break up before and didn’t know how to approach it, deal with it, or cope with it), but I do now… and all I can do is learn and apply to prevent pain for the future!

What are the top 5 absolute best things about dating SO?

1. He never criticized me or tried to change me. Over the years, many people in my life have felt inclined to inform me that I am “too rigid and overly serious,” and so it was nice to have that one constant person love me just for who I was.
2. He got me. 100% he got me. My humor. The weird way I explain things. Things I think are funny. Things I enjoy. He got it without me having to explain it or justify it. It’s rare to find, and I truly appreciated it then and even to this day
3. His favorite activity with me was to “lay.” We literally would spend days and days just “laying” around, doing nothing but watching movies, eating junk food, and sleeping. This is a trait hard to find in society’s busy, non-stop, must-be-doing-something-active-all-the-time culture! Some may think it’s boring, but I appreciated it (especially after dating millions of “lets go do something all the time” type guys).
4. His taste in music. Although he could be horribly closed minded to new music (and he only became open minded after we broke up, likely just to be nice), he and I have the same taste and I love that. It isn’t until you date someone else with a shitty taste in music do you then really begin to appreciate it though.
5. His gift giving abilities. When he really applies himself and wants to express his feelings, he is the best at finding silly, unique ways to show it. And when I say ‘gifts’ I don’t mean expensive presents. I mean thoughtful ways to show you care. From weird packages in the mail, to mix CDs full of lyrics about you, to silly cartoon drawings left on your doorstep… his presents are heartfelt, and I always appreciated them.

What makes you want to be a guest blog at your Ex's blog?

I felt like everyone wanted to know so much more about me, and that it would give everyone a good insight into ‘the other side.’ There are always two sides to every story, and I felt like it would be good for his readers to know both? I admit my intentions were originally a bit selfish in my desire to ‘defend’ myself, but honestly now I just thought it would be fun, entertaining to see the reactions, and even good for So@24 to see my thoughts out on paper!

Thanks for the Reminder.

A gchat exchange with one of my oldest blogging friends, The Gancer.

So@24: What are you doing?
The Gancer: I'm checking your Facebook page for girls you should be poking.
So@24: Hahaha! Well, anything catching your eye?
The Gancer: Susie for one.
So@24: Hahahaha! She's a blogger! Everyone Loves a Boston Girl!
The Gancer: Really? Even better. Get in that ass.
So@24: Yes, Susie is a cute girl.
The Gancer: What about _____ ?? If that's her on the left of her profile picture, you should bag it. Tag it. And sell it to the butcher at the store.
So@24: That's my exgirlfriend Lynn!
The Gancer: Oh. Oops.
So@24: Fucker.
The Gancer: Wait. She's THE girl??
So@24: Yep.
The Gancer: Wowie zowie.
So@24: I'll take that as a compliment.




Part 2 of Lynn's Guest Post will go live on Friday.

My Ex-Girlfriend's Post Pt. 1

Well, well well.



Today marks the 2 year mark of the breakup that would be the catalyst to launch this blog. And today my ex-girlfriend Lynn has kindly offered to write a post.



I want to thank everyone for sending in their questions. I forwarded them all to her and she was stunned at how many responses she got.



She called down the thunder and she got it. Some of you were pre-tty ballsy.



But that's why I love you.



Part II, your specific questions, will be posted later this week. I hope you enjoy a unique insight into her side.



Best,

So@24

* * *

My side... The long awaited explanation and other side of the story. I have to admit that I am little nervous. I know that So@24 has a ton of avid fans and readers who likely hate my guts, and so I’m scared of what you might say. Please try to be nice everyone. I am just a weird little girl who isn’t heartless or mean! Haha. I will also admit now that I am nowhere near as funny or as clever as So@24 when I write, so here is my disclaimer now for my lack of wit.

How we began: I was 15 (almost 16) years old when I met So@24 in high school. He had at one time dated my cousin… which sounds really weird now, but when you’re lame and in high school, everyone dates everyone and so it wasn’t weird. I was shy but we hung out (our first date was a high school football game and ice cream), and because I was such an inexperienced little girl we moved really slowly. I had NEVER even kissed a guy before, let alone held a boy’s hand, and so it was a slow but sweet blooming high school relationship.

On my 16^th birthday, So@24 came over to give me my birthday present. As the night ended I walked him out to his car. And, let me CLARIFY here (if you’ve been reading from the beginning you’ll know what I’m referencing) that he did not pull my belt loops the night we had our first kiss. He sadly has mixed two events together (sigh, typical guy). He attempted to kiss me the night BEFORE by pulling my belt loops, but chickened out and went for a hug instead. Hahaha nerd. So, the NEXT night (my birthday) he picked me up, slung me over his shoulder and carried me over to his truck. There he sat me down in front of him and kissed me. Wait… correction; he kissed my teeth because I was smiling! It was cheesy and sweet, I laughed and said I didn’t know what I was doing, and he assured me it was okay. Nine days later we became official (with an awkward “are you my boyfriend?” note passed at school)!

So@24 and I continued to date for 9 more months in the same city, but graduation came… as did Fall and he moved to a university 3 hours away. And, let me just say, I WAS DEVASTATED. I literally thought my world was over. My high school love was 300 miles away! Also, keep in mind this was 2001 when cell phones weren’t common and so I had no idea when we would talk, when we would see each other, or if we would even stay together.

We really struggled for that first year. I still had two more years of high school to finish, and he was in his first year of college. ENTER… the fraternity. So@24 was a frat boy. He partied. He drank. He talked to sorority girls. He went to dances. He socialized. He had fun… all without me. This drove me nuts. I was the young, insecure girlfriend back home… missing her boyfriend and feeling jealous and lonely. This neediness drove So@24 crazy, and was the cause of a ton of our fights!

As the years went on, we thankfully adapted. I got a car and we each got cell phones, and so the communication between us was better. We would see each other every other weekend, and the deal worked out pretty well. Eventually over time things fell into place and we get a better handle on things. I understood his college lifestyle a little better and our lives didn’t feel as separate as they used to.

So 5ish years go by (yeah time flies). So@24 graduates college and has his post-graduation “what the hell am I going to do with my life” crisis. I selfishly wanted him to move home, but I wanted him to be happy too. He dreamed of moving down to LA to pursue his love of film and all things entertainment related, and so I encouraged him as best I could. Although I was horrified at the thought of my beloved boyfriend living 1,000 miles away (that’s a plane ride folks, no longer a do-able drive), I didn’t want him to end up as one of those old men who sadly looked back on what ‘could have been.’ So, come September of 2005, he moved to LA. I bawled my eyes out as I moved him into his new apartment, but I toughened up. By then I was used to saying goodbye.

A year goes by and now comes the time for me to pick a university to transfer to so I could finish my BA. By this time I was so sick of long distance that I decided to move down to southern California for school. I could be happy finally living NEAR my boyfriend for once, our lives didn’t have to be separate anymore, and we could be a normal couple! Yay!

August of 2006 I moved down to Irvine to finish my BA. I expected everything to magically turn into the perfect relationship, but I was wrong. Our lives were still so separate feeling, and I did not feel that So@24 was not where I need him to be after 6 years of dating. It was then that I decided we needed to break up. HARDEST. DECISION. OF. MY. LIFE.

I know that So@24 seems like the perfect guy, and everyone wonders why the hell I broke up with him! But here is the deal… Keep in mind that the So@24 I broke up with was the So@24 from 8 years ago. This was the immature So@24 who knew nothing about what girls needed, wanted or expected in relationships (and I was horribly naive as well). As young couples do, we had already established our relational patterns (both positive and negative) and so we simply developed too many habits that weren’t good for us. Looking at who So@24 is now, I am amazed. I truly believe that although sad, our breakup was incredibly humbling for him and it has turned him into an even more awesome guy. I know that he has learned so much from our experiences, and that is what I believe has led him to becoming who he is today. Please know that I didn’t break up with the So@24 of today; I broke up with the of So@24 8 years ago. We all change, but old habits die hard… and for us that really was the case.

Below is an excerpt from an email I wrote to a friend who asked what I gained from still being friends with So@24 (my friend does not understand me because he doesn’t speak to any of his exes). I feel like I was able to explain me and my intentions really well here, so take a look:

“I gain the close friendship I had with him back. He is an amazing person, but was just not the right boyfriend for me, and so losing him as a friend caused a huge void in my life. He and I are incredibly similar and weird, and so our friendship is very rare because of that. Also, just his understanding of my life and personal experiences is comforting to have since he has known me for 8 years. From an awkward sophomore in high school with braces to a growing young woman in graduate school and living on her own... his consistency in my life is a huge comfort.”

“He gains the same in return. He has explained that he has accepted the fact that we will no longer be together, and he would rather accept that, move on and be my friend rather than hang on and loose me as a friend. He also views our friendship as rare, and he really appreciates me as a person. I don't think he has ulterior motives or hopes of getting back together with me, but I do admit to myself that there may be a tiny something is still inside of him (only because he wasn't the one to break it off). I do think he will 'come around' eventually as time heals and our friendship remains strictly platonic. He will date, he will like other girls, and he will sleep with them (and I encourage all of this). It's just a matter of time, and I am just ahead of the game since I've had another relationship and was ready to move on.”

“Until you end it someone you love and have been with for such vital years, you likely won't understand why some people remain friends. I agree that it's rare with a lot of people and it's a huge mistake for some, but I think So@24 and I are a few of the lucky ones who can handle it. Our relationship and friendship was just that important. I mean, we were best friends for 6 fundamental years... and so even if we don't date anymore, letting go of the friendship is impossible. It was put on hold as the intimate relationship ended, but the friendship never went away.”

I don’t think I can explain it any other way. He is a great person, but our past has a few too many issues to look past. Although those issues prevent me from viewing So@24 in an intimate way now, they don’t change the fact that he’s an amazing person and an irreplaceable friend.

xoxo,

Lynn

An Unexpected Word from my Ex

Email from Lynn:

10/16/2008
6:47pm

Title: What Do You Think?

October 22nd. 2 years [since the break up]. Can I do a guest post?

I'd like to write about us. Then and now, something along those lines... I'd also like to give your "readers" a chance to ask me any questions they may have for the mysterious "Lynn."

What do you think?

- L

Well then. I'm game. Email me your burn questions (if you have any) and I'll get them to her.

The Ex, Her Mom, and Me.

My cellphone woke me up at 9:30am on the dot and as I was shutting off the alarm, I read the text from my ex-girlfriend's mom, Andy:

"you on your way, young man?"

Indeed I was. I got into my car and headed south to spend a day with my ex-girlfriend and her mother. I have hung out with Lynn. And I have spent time with Andy. But never at the same time since the break up, almost two years ago ago.

When Lynn's car pulled up, Andy stepped out with a smile on her face.

"Hello, Mr. Frog."

A playful nickname she had give me back when I was in high school on account of my wide feet.

She walked around the car and gave me a hug. I hugged Lynn and she lead me into her new apartment.

Andy had driven down in a U Haul to bring Lynn all of her things. The living room was cluttered with plastic bins and boxes. 8 potted plants sat on the floor. Andy had packed some things for me to move into my new place as well as potting 4 plants for me.

We spent most of the afternoon lounging around the apartment talking until Lynn suggested we go to Ikea to look for more things for her move.

Andy, Lynn and I strolled down the aisles looking at things that Lynn might need. Andy kept insisting to buy me things for my new place and after telling her 100 times, "No, I'm fine! I promise! You've brought me too many things already", I eventually gave in and let her buy me a lamp and a snazzy cheese grater. With certain people, you learn it's just better not to fight these things.

I must admit that a peculiar feeling washed over me as Lynn and I walked side by side picking out items at Ikea.

"Geeze," I thought. "if Lynn and I were still together and everything went according to plan... her and I would be picking out things for our place. Weird how things turn out."

I physically shook this thought out of my head when Lynn asked me to help her pick out curtains for her room.

After about an hour in Ikea, I could sense an all too familiar feeling. Lynn did/has a tendency to get a little "crabby" when she hasn't eaten for awhile or when she is stressed. She had a midterm the next day and I knew that she was feeling overwhelmed with a day fighting the crowds in Ikea and playing host.

I'll admit that there's this instinct that's difficult to shake off. This powerful urge to make her laugh. Back when we were dating, I'd just ignore her gripes... pull her in, give her a kiss on the forehead or crack a lame joke or simply place a hand on her back and she's instantly snap out of her funk.

But, that wasn't my job anymore. Not my obligation. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.

So I didn't. I just kind of her let do her thing and tried to sway the conversation to something else. Instead, I made the suggestion we skip straight to the register and get something to eat. Andy and I exchanged a secret smile, because we both were used to handling Lynn in her crabby mood.

We grabbed a meal at a bar/restaurant combo and being in Costa Mesa, the place was crawling with cookie-cutter girls who all looked the same. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and weaving in between tables, I gave quick glances at the girls I was surrounded by. Might as well have been paper chain figures.


Making my way back from the bathrooms, I quickly tapped our waiter and passed him my credit card. I knew that Andy would put up a fight to pay the bill.

I sat back down at the table and placed my napkin across my lap. Lynn flashed me a smile. It's difficult to really explain how frustrating it is to think that your ex is still the prettiest girl.

The check came (already paid) and Andy was a little upset at my trickery. But I smiled and told her that we were even for all the stuff she bought for me earlier.

After dinner we spent a few more hours back at Lynn's apartment chatting, there was never an awkward moment... it was just like old times. But eventually I had to head back for work the next day. Lynn and Andy helped me load my car with my new treats. I hugged Andy and promised I would see her when I was back home for Christmas.

"Oh! I almost forgot! I have some more music to give you!"

Lynn came running back with a cd. I gave her a hug and climbed into my car. I immediately put in the mix she made for me.

* * *

Now this next part is for those readers who might read this blog for that insight for what it's like to start over again.

A song that came on the mix instantly sent a wave of shivers up my spine and by the end I was covered in goosebumps. I'll paste the YouTube link below as well as the lyrics. Keep the song on in a window and listen to it while you browse other things. I believe it's the perfect song to sum up this post and my feelings thus far.

I hope it does the same for those of you who are still in the thick of things.



And for my fellow lyric fiends who are like me and have to read while listening:

Relient K "Up and Up" Acoustic version

Yesterday was not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today, with every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more

'Cause it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see
But I'm finally catching on to it, yeah, the past is just a conduit
And the light, there at the end is where I'll be

CHORUS
'Cause I'm on the up and up, I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up, given up on what I know I'm capable of
Yeah, I'm on the up and up and yeah, there's nothing left to prove
'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you
A better version of me for you

Now I have all that I could ever need
The confidence of knowing there's still time.
Time to make amends and try to build a better me
And to take the right steps as this road unwinds

You see I'm finally catching onto it, the past is just a conduit
And the light at the end is where I'll be

CHORUS

Never cease to supply me with what I need for a good life
So when I'm down, I'll hold my head up high
'Cause you're the reason why, yeah, you're why

CHORUS

Old Habits Die Hard

When you get out of a long-term relationship, your list of obligations suddenly bursts into flames. There's no gradual decline; it's instant.

You no longer are expected to wake your girlfriend up every morning with a phone call. You don't have to stress about getting that perfect anniversary gift (apparently thongs every year aren't acceptable, who knew?). When you go to the rental store, you can pick up Die Hard for the 3rd time in a row instead of having to take your turn by getting 10 Things I Hate About You.

I learned yesterday that although you are no longer obligated to do these things, there are certain dispositions that might never go away. Or at least take a little bit longer.

It's not old news that occasionally, my ex girlfriend's mom Andy and I will talk on the phone and catch up on our lives. During our last conversation she happened to casually mention that Lynn was particularly ill.

So@24: What? Like a cold or something?
Andy: Actually, she has strep throat. I feel bad, she's been waking up in sweats and unable to swallow anything. I'm afraid she hasn't been eating. It's hard being a long distance mom sometimes!
So@24: Hmmm. I see.

Andy and I talked for a bit longer, but when we hung up... I couldn't help but think about Lynn and her inflamed tonsils.

It's almost been two years since our relationship ended, but this nagging feeling of needing to do SOMETHING was stronger than I would expect.

There's also something to be said about crossing that fragile line into a... weird place. Lynn and I are friends; we meet up every once and a while, make each other mix cds, talk on the phone once every couple weeks. But I'd never want to do anything to jeopardize that friendship that we have worked hard to establish and now, maintain.

You don't want to do anything to make the other person think you have other motives; I certainly didn't want to give off that impression.

I grappled with an internal debate. I'm not her boyfriend anymore, I am not obligated to do anything. In fact, I didn't even do shit like that when I dated her (oops!). I should really get back to reading Shortcomings and forget about this.

But as I licked my thumb and turned a page, the visual of Lynn alone, tossing and turning in a pool of her own sweat was gnawing on my brains like a fucked up zombie.

So@24: Fuuuuuuuuck.

I took my own advice. I did what I wanted to. She would do the same for me. It never hurts to do a nice thing for someone, right? It's not like I'm sending over flowers or a guy dressed up like a giant heart to sing "Oooh Baby I Love Your Way" on a ukulele or anything.

I looked up a delivery place close by her house and ordered a simple bowl of soup and a caesar salad. Girl needs to eat, right?

But I didn't give her a heads up with a phone call or a text. I didn't want her to know it was me, I'm fine with having her think that it could be any one of the dudes that might be in her life at the moment. I'm like goddamn Peter Parker, I guess.



I guess there are certain things that linger around a little bit longer.

The Ugly One.

My roommate Leo has decided leave Los Angeles* and in doing so, quit his job.

Which means he bought a keg and we had a party.

Around 2:00, the high point of most parties, I got a phone call from my ex-girlfriend Lynn. Huh. This is highly unusual. I stepped away from the clamor of the beer pong table to take the call in my room.

Drunk dial. Hammered. Which is fine; I too was unable to operate heavy machinery. However, before either of us could get a word in, a "sober" Leo came boundin' in from the other room.

Leo: Who is that??
So@24: Lynn
Leo: Oooh, ooh lemme talk to her!

So for the next 20 mins., Leo and Lynn shared a drunken discussion while I returned to the living room to regain my honor at flip cup.

Leo came out of the room.

So@24: What did you two talk about??
Leo: Wow. Lynn has certainly grown up.

sour look on my face.

Leo: I know her number.

I clasped my hands over my ears and squeezed my eyes shut tight.

So@24: JFSDHFN8E7R9R84JSDFERWWAAWESJIFWE7R!!
Leo: What?? What??
So@24: Dude! I don't want to know her number!
Leo: Fine fine, I won't tell you. But I'm telling you, it's not that bad.
So@24: Can we just stop talking about it??

Doesn't he know that any number other than 1 is a high number??

I met up with Lynn for lunch the following day and as we shared a plate of chili cheese fries, my conversation with Leo kept running through my head.

I'm a big boy. And as a big boy, I know that an attractive, 23 year old female, who recently discovered that drinking is fun (I kept trying to tell her) and is single is going to have her day in the sun. She's going to make out with boys and yes, she's probably going to sleep with a few of them.

What bothered me is the incessant urge that you always need to keep up with the ex! This weird entitlement to have that same number or experiences!

As I nodded at whatever she was saying and dunked my squiggly fry into ranch, I suddenly thought a horrid thought:

Was I the ugly one in the relationship?

I heard somewhere** that in 9/10 couples... one is always the clearly more attractive. And that one happens to be the girl.

Fuckbeans. Was I that guy?? Am I that troll who out of sheer, dumb luck, got the hot girl? Is this why she's beating me in this juvenile competition that exists only in my warped mind??

Right now, think about it. You KNOW you can name one! Look around! These couples are everywhere! Absolute bombshells are draped over these buckled bastards.

As Lynn continued with her story, she pulled back a strand of hair that had fallen out of place to reveal those shimmery, green eyes. I felt my bitterness bubble. And I thought about where I am at in the dating game, compared to the girl sitting directly across from me... it's the only explanation that makes logical sense to me.

Fuck. Maybe I can be that guy again someday! After all, the chances are in my favor.




* a post to be saved for later
** a statistic that I made up, suckers.

Girls Will Always Drive You To Drink

The vibrations of my cell startled me from my hangover nap. It was Lynn, so I decided to peel myself off the couch and step out on my porch.

Lynn: Sorry I had to get off the phone so abruptly the other night.
So@24: -taking a giant swig of Vitamin Water- No, no, I knew you had company... you were just listening to me ramble on anyway.
Lynn: Rough night last night? You sound terrible.
So@24: Hoo doggy...

And so I told my ex-girlfriend (in great, morbid detail) of what I did on the afternoon of July 4th.

* * *

It had been a particularly low week for me. Minor, opposite-sex issues had caused a contemplative storm cloud to hover over my head the last few days. Jenny suggested Leo and I spend the weekend with her for the 4th of July.

Bless her heart.

Jenny's promise of broads, boobs, and booze was not an exaggeration. I had no idea the beach towns of Manhattan & Hermosa Beach took the day of America's independence so seriously. Leo and I both pinched each other as we stepped out into what had to have been the scene of a cliche'd college, sex, beach comedy.

Jenny, Leo and I joined Jenny's friends at the first beach-side bar for the first stop of the pub crawl. I had made a commitment to myself I was going to have a great time. I was not going to go into over-analytical mode in classic So@24 fashion. I was not going to spend my 4th, sipping a pint, sitting in the corner with a furrowed, confused, sharpee-esque countenance as I pondered over the mysteries of women.

I was going to get drunk. Flirt with some cute girls. And drink some more.

Unfortunately, you can't always tell that thought-provoking storm cloud to "back the fuck up" by drinking. More often than not, you think you can drown it and unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. Ever. I don't know why I always think it will work.

Things start to get fuzzy around bar 3 in the pub crawl.

Flash! I remember buying rounds of Touch Downs (oh God, I just threw up in my mouth typing that...).

Flash! I remember downing a Bloody Mary.

Flash! I remember filling Leo's cup full of beer after an intense game of Flip Cup at bar 2.

Flash! I remember flipping the winning cup for the round and giving this cute girl, Leo and I had eyed ealier, a double high five. This was just the remedy I was looking for!

Flash! I can't open my eyes, because they are encrusted with sand. My mouth is full of sand. Leo is cradling my head in his lap. Am I on the fucking beach? I am on the fucking beach. The afternoon sun is blinding even through the cracks in the wooden pier. Jenny is standing a few feet away with Rye crackers and a bottle of water.


Leo: Jesus Christ, So. What the fuck happened?
So@24: garble, garble, garble.
Leo: We've been looking for you for hours! Can you get up?
So@24: Just... leave me.
Leo: Leave no man behind!
Jenny: Drink this.

When the water hit my throat, I wretched. I suddenly realized the dark, moist sand I was laying in was not due to the ocean... but the entire contents of my stomach. A mixture of bile and alcohol.

Jenny: Look at your poor face, So. Your capillaries around your eyes burst. You look like a raccoon.

As Leo took his bare hand and wiped the drool and bile from my mouth, clearing away the caked sand from my face... I looked into the concerned face of Jenny and thought:

"No girl-issue is worth this shit."

Leo and Jenny, knowing that there is no way any cabbie would have me as their passenger, hailed a rickshaw to take us back to Jenny's apartment. I slumped over the side, puking into Jenny's newly, purchased tank top as the rickshaw bounced up and down the Manhattan Beach streets.

Leo: Oh, hey. Remember that cute girl we were talking to? Turns out she has a boyfriend.
So@24: Figures. ... ... -pukes-

* * *

Lynn: I can't remember the last time you drank like that. I knew it had to be girl-stuff.
Lynn: You know if we were still dating, I would have to killed you if you came to me with a story like this.
So@24: Hahaha! If we were still dating, I probably wouldn't been in a place where I'd blackout. Or at least you would have been holding my hair back?
Lynn: Hahaha, you know I would.

The Politics of Accommodating Couples

When Leo suggested a spontaneous trip to San Francisco this past weekend, I knew the sleeping arrangements would be tight. There were a lot of friends (Leroy & girlfriend, Paxton, Veronica, Collin, Kevin) staying in the two bedroom apartment. Too many bodies, not enough beds.

On Saturday night, after returning back from that house party, Leo took a girl into the bedroom and I passed out on the large, fluffy couch in the living room. And man, it was good.

Of course, when Veronica came crashing through the doors with Paxton hours later... she "calmly" stirred me from my slumber to remind me that she had, in fact, called "dibs" on the couch earlier that night.

I grumbled, grabbed a thin blanket from the closet and retreated to another room of the house where a tiny love seat was waiting for me. No one could have slept there but me (ahhhh, being 5'3"), but it was still a slightly uncomfortable squeeze.

I laid awake for a few moments, trying to figure out the best way to angle the blanket so it'd cover my entire body and my thoughts turned to the politics of people accommodating couples in these situations.

Think about it. Couples always get away with that shit. They always get the best spots during away games.

9 out of 10 times, the hosts save the prime spots for the couple (or you can guilt them into it). They feel obligated to let the couple sleep together:

"Oh well, So@24 and Lynn can get the bedroom." And then everyone else has to fend for themselves, trying to decide which piece of floor is best to pass out on. Which drunken friend is not going to try and spoon you while your face is smashed up against the leg of a coffee table at 3 in the morning?

Ahhh I miss those days.

When you're single, your ass gets demoted. If it's a full house, your ass isn't getting the bedroom or even prime couch that can easily fit two.

Just an observation.