Held Hostage

The 'rents and Lil' Bro flew down to stay with me for a couple days to help me whip The Sexy Dojo into serious shape.

This mo fo will be the ultimate of bachelor pads, I shit you not.

I spent all Saturday (hung over as hell from the night before) tearing out the disgusting, red-wine 1970s carpeting and hauling it to the dumpster in preparations for the hardwood flooring. It's going to be real cherry. I gotta grow up and live in a big boy house.

The Lil' Bro needed to get away from things back at home. After the infamous lube incident, like most shitty couples, him and his girlfriend got back together. I don't know how many times they've done this tango, I can't keep up. The chalkboard tally of Get Back Togethers VS Break Up Agains is ridiculous. Oh. At this point, they broke up again. Okay, I'm caught up.

Although he voiced to me that he was a little depressed that "this might be it", Lil' Bro didn't really show any signs that he was upset. This isn't surprising, we're known to put up a tough front when we need to. We've been watching Groundhog Day, drinking beers and laughing it up.

Last night, I left to brush my teeth and Lil' Bro went into the bedroom to make a phone call. Mom was downstairs blowing up the air mattress.

Mid-brush, I heard my brother holler from the bedroom. His voice was quivery.

Uh oh.

Lil' Bro: Mom? Can you come up here?
Mama So: What is it?
Lil' Bro: Can you just come up here, please?

Toothbrush still in hand, I peeked out and looked into the bedroom down the hall. My 24 year old little brother was wailing into the shoulder of my mom.

Maybe the beers wasn't such a good idea. They obviously were the keys to opening the floodgates.

Believe it or not, I actually have a history of not being able to express my feelings vocally (typing it out for strangers on the internet? No problem). Although extremely upset during the initial period when my relationship with Lynn was over, I never once shed any tears. And my ex girlfriend can attest to this; I'm not the most comforting person when it comes to crying. I physically stiffen up, grit my teeth, and get weirded out.

But there are few things more upsetting to hear than a grown man bawl. So while my little brother broke down and sputtered out questions like, "How can someone just change their minds after all these years?" and "Why does it hurt so much, Mom?", I put the toilet seat down, sat, and kept brushing.

I couldn't go into the room, I felt too uncomfortable interrupting that scene. Soon there was no toothpaste left on my brush. I had to go into my room at some point, who knew how long this was going to last?

My brother sat on the floor, his eyes red and sniffling. A grown man brought down like that... fuck, that visual is heartbreaking. My mother standing in her pajamas, not sure how to answer his questions, letting him just vent it all out.

My mother, ever the blunt tomboy, turned to me and asked, "So, you went through this when Lynn dumped you, what did you do?"

Lil' Bro turned his eyes to me, looking for some kind of golden ticket out of this hell.

For the first time, I didn't have a response. I pulled my mental pockets inside out and two moths flew out. I clammed up and didn't know what to say.

So@24: You just... get over it. It just happens with time.

I fucking hated it when people said that to me when I was going through it. It's not an acceptable answer to the ears of someone who has just been told by the person they have been dating that "they aren't it" anymore.

But really, it's the truth. There is a reason why that cliche' is a cliche'.

Is there any acceptable response? I doubt it.

A Funny Happened on the Way to Check My Email

To: So@24
From: Lynn

Time: 9:42pm
Date: December 17, 2008

Heeeeeey.

All right Nervous Nancy...

So just because Facebook might have awkwardly 'informed' you (and I don't want you finding stuff out about my life that way), I thought you should know that I am seeing someone. Not that you want to hear about that kind of stuff, and not that you like to know, but I figured I should show you the courtesy of telling you instead of you finding out via Facebook.

Anyways he's not my boyfriend yet, and it's still new, but all I did was make a change to my profile and it informed all of Facebook world and everyone is freaking out (i.e.: "ohohohlalala" and "go Lynn!" comments). I assumed you were doing so in private. Hahaha.

Mmmk so that is that. Dunno how much you want to know, etc... but he knows about you, knows we are close friends, etc and thinks you sound like a cool guy.

Hope we can be cool with all of this... Sorry if I am making it more awkward than it really is.

Come home in one piece beardy and stop obsessing with my roommate :)

- Meeeeeeeee
[Lynn]


To: Lynn
From: So@24

Time: 10:35pm
Date: December 17, 2008

I was waiting for this message to come.

I can't tell you how many gchats, emails and phone calls I got asking me,

"Dude, what's going on with Lynn? Facebook says Lynn is 'no longer listed as single'. What's going on??"

And all I could respond with was shrugging my shoulders and saying, "Well, maybe she's in a relationship?"

I don't need to know the details or anything. I'm glad you've found someone and I hope that it blossoms into something great. He just better appreciate everything about you!

You know my only rule for you: No settling!

We're cool as we always have been, no awkwardness... I promise.

Hope things are well (and it sounds like they are) and I'll see you next week!

As for your roommate, you don't need to worry. She's short, cute, funny, and can quote some of the great movies that most girls don't appreciate. Unfortunately, she's your roommate and probably isn't interested in atheists.

Best,
me
[So@24]

Leo's Goodbye

I strongly urge you to read this post before you continue. This will make more sense to those of you who have been reading since the beginning. But for those of you who just climbed aboard this wacky train, all you need is to backtrack a few and you should get the idea.

The following is my (old) roommate Leo's farewell post.

* * *

In about an hour, I am leaving LA. It's an odd thought; I've been here for four years in college and as long out, but I'm looking forward to what new things lie ahead in lands distant.

However.

In about an hour, I will be leaving So's side. The band is breaking up. And that is going to be rough.

Humans naturally seek out their own kind—they attract those with shared traits and bond with those who possess a similar character. This mutuality serves as the foundation of interpersonal relationships—friends, partners, and of course, mates. Life, amongst other things, is the search for our better half, our significant other, out match. It's what brings you all here, it's something all of you know, or at one point have known.

Inevitably, humans find their match (or they think they do), and they pair off. Visits between pals become more infrequent. People fall out of touch. Friendships rust, get squeaky from disuse, and in many cases, decay into dust. I think this is tragic. For me, friends are my significant others. They are those in whom I see myself. They are my better halves.

And, for the last several years, So and I have been, well, to use the British definition to avoid sounding gay, each other's mate. We have been each other's crutch, confidant, and coach. The R2 to the other's C3-PO. We've fought the good fight together; each watching the other's back, yelling "duck!" a moment before disaster. To put this experience into words is impossible—there's just too much.

This is where I stop talking to all the readers, and address just one of you.

Dude. Bro.

We've been hacking our way through the proverbial jungle of this world together – throwing a stick out when one of us stumbles into quicksand, offering a hand to each other as we scramble up peaks, and generally picking the tarantulas off each other's back.

We've blazed our own path through this sweltering continent they often call Life, and looking back, we see how far we've come.

And now the path ahead diverges. You look down one, I the other. Somewhere many miles and moons ahead, those paths will merge again, but for now, I'm afraid this is it. I'll give you an awkward bro-hug, something that will be terribly inadequate in expressing how I feel, shrug on my rucksack, make some snarky little comment about the heat to break the tension, then head out. And right before I disappear over the ridge, I'll cast one last look over my shoulder, smile, flip you off, and be gone.

So. Fight the good fight, and know that somewhere out there, I will be too.

And remember… I'll be back.

Old Habits Die Hard

When you get out of a long-term relationship, your list of obligations suddenly bursts into flames. There's no gradual decline; it's instant.

You no longer are expected to wake your girlfriend up every morning with a phone call. You don't have to stress about getting that perfect anniversary gift (apparently thongs every year aren't acceptable, who knew?). When you go to the rental store, you can pick up Die Hard for the 3rd time in a row instead of having to take your turn by getting 10 Things I Hate About You.

I learned yesterday that although you are no longer obligated to do these things, there are certain dispositions that might never go away. Or at least take a little bit longer.

It's not old news that occasionally, my ex girlfriend's mom Andy and I will talk on the phone and catch up on our lives. During our last conversation she happened to casually mention that Lynn was particularly ill.

So@24: What? Like a cold or something?
Andy: Actually, she has strep throat. I feel bad, she's been waking up in sweats and unable to swallow anything. I'm afraid she hasn't been eating. It's hard being a long distance mom sometimes!
So@24: Hmmm. I see.

Andy and I talked for a bit longer, but when we hung up... I couldn't help but think about Lynn and her inflamed tonsils.

It's almost been two years since our relationship ended, but this nagging feeling of needing to do SOMETHING was stronger than I would expect.

There's also something to be said about crossing that fragile line into a... weird place. Lynn and I are friends; we meet up every once and a while, make each other mix cds, talk on the phone once every couple weeks. But I'd never want to do anything to jeopardize that friendship that we have worked hard to establish and now, maintain.

You don't want to do anything to make the other person think you have other motives; I certainly didn't want to give off that impression.

I grappled with an internal debate. I'm not her boyfriend anymore, I am not obligated to do anything. In fact, I didn't even do shit like that when I dated her (oops!). I should really get back to reading Shortcomings and forget about this.

But as I licked my thumb and turned a page, the visual of Lynn alone, tossing and turning in a pool of her own sweat was gnawing on my brains like a fucked up zombie.

So@24: Fuuuuuuuuck.

I took my own advice. I did what I wanted to. She would do the same for me. It never hurts to do a nice thing for someone, right? It's not like I'm sending over flowers or a guy dressed up like a giant heart to sing "Oooh Baby I Love Your Way" on a ukulele or anything.

I looked up a delivery place close by her house and ordered a simple bowl of soup and a caesar salad. Girl needs to eat, right?

But I didn't give her a heads up with a phone call or a text. I didn't want her to know it was me, I'm fine with having her think that it could be any one of the dudes that might be in her life at the moment. I'm like goddamn Peter Parker, I guess.



I guess there are certain things that linger around a little bit longer.

So@24's One Year Anniversary Variety Hour (w/ an Intro by Leo)

An intro by my roommate and best friend:

It happened on an ordinary Friday morning in early June, near the corner of Sepulveda and Jefferson in Los Angeles. You wouldn't have noticed if you were standing nearby—there was no commotion, no herald announcing its arrival, no fanfare to be observed. It arrived quietly and unnoticed, as most great things do.

The sun continued to shine, the warm breeze to softly blow. But it happened nonetheless. In a moment, it just appeared-- a blip, a spark, in the vast abyss of cyberspace.

It was born out of the pieces of a shattered self, and its creator presented it to us with a humble shrug. At 11:11am on that June morning, exactly one year ago, someone decided to start over at the age of 24. The rest, as they say, is history.

Despite being prone to "fly by", a year is a long time. I've had the pleasure of riding shotgun to So through it all, and it's given me a great deal of perspective. Now, I could go on about how much he's grown, how well he's weathered the storm, how I know he'll continue to sally forth with a wry smile and sharp tongue, and how it's been a privilege to be part of it all.

This is his blog though, his chronicle, and I'm taking up precious space. I will say this though—thanks for everything, and everything to come.

As someone once wrote, this should be interesting.

I wish you luck.

- Leo

* * *

Why, hello there.

I didn't even realize it has already been 365 days since I first started rambling on about my pathetic, reluctant, grasping-onto-the-door-frame, journey into singledom.

I think the best post I can do for this entry is to do what is to be expected for a blog of my type: to have a "retrospective". To go back and read the first few entries and to compare it to how I was then to how I am now.

I wish I could go back and say the following things:

I've found true love since then.
I've had 3 girlfriends since then.
I've met one girl that wanted to date me seriously since then.
I've dated one girl since then.
I've slept with someone since then.
I boned some broad in the bathroom at some house party since then.
I've felt a boob, under-the-shirt since then.
I've felt a boob, over-the-shirt since then.

I have done none of the sort.

However, I have changed and grown quite a bit within that year. And perhaps this will shed some light on the random commenters who I stumbled upon, talking shit about my blog on some random Poker Strategy site.

Why I still let shit like that bother me, I'm not sure.

* * *

I remember my first introduction to the blogging world, was one that Leo himself started (and canceled soon after... sorry ladies). It consisted of short entries, a random picture every other entry with funny captions, and witty commentary about the most banal things that almost anyone experiences in their own lives.

But it was hilarious. And it was honest.

I wanted to share something too. What story could I tell? And what if I stuck to a theme...

My thoughts turned to the only thing that it could at the time. My breakup with Lynn was very real and something I still was losing sleep over. I can honestly say that I felt as though I was the only person to go through these circumstances. Of course, I was not vain in the sense that I was the only person to ever go through a serious breakup with their first love. But!

I thought it was interesting that I had dated only one person, all throughout the most vital eras where "normal people" meet and date members of the opposite sex: e.g. high school and college. I was in a fraternity, for fuck's sake! All of my friends have had at least three girls they have dated and or slept with! They knew what to expect the next time around. They learned from their own mistakes, learned from their girlfriend's (or hook up's) mistakes, they knew what to do.

We're talking even the most simple rules you learn along the way... like, "do you bring a condom no matter what??" or " Can what you have in your room actually be the kryptonite to vagina?"

I was 24 years old. Thrown into the jungle with a loin cloth and a homemade spear. Life tapped me on my tender lil' ass and said, "Good luck, buddy".

I started my blog for three reasons:

1. It was nice to get my thoughts out, no matter how whiny or bitchy, and just leave it out there without getting judged too harshly. Pro tip: your friends, no matter how badass they are, will get sick of your shit after awhile.

2. The dating stories, I had experienced, were entertaining enough for my friends to repeat to each other and to get genuine laughs out of... why not share it?

3. And ultimately, I wished I had something to read like this when I was going through it. So I didn't feel so alone.


So. What have I learned since then?

I am blessed to be in a situation that I feel a lot of people my age do not get to experience. Despite the fact that my ex-girlfriend put me through the most pain imaginable (I'd still rather have my testicles tossed underhanded into a salad shooter), I didn't let her decision make me lose sight of what a great friend and how important she was to be throughout the six years we dated. When we started talking again and establishing a friendship is one of the greatest things I've experienced.

We experienced high school, college, and post college together... arguably the years that shape who you are.. She was (and still is) an extremely important and significant person to me. I am glad that we are still friends, can talk honestly and openly about our mistakes, and aren't bitter about our relationship ending.

I learned what it was like to get rejected by someone who I thought, for sure, was as equally interested in me. Although it wasn't a straight out, black & white, rejection... I learned that if you have to fight for something too much... then she's really not all that interested. And besides, do you want to really be with someone who is resisting at all? Doesn't sound too promising to me.

I learned that there aren't a set of rules to go about a proper a break up. Society can suck it. You CAN be civil and be friends with your ex. You CAN maintain a relationship with family members of your ex. And YES, it can be healthy.

I learned what it's like to get giddy again, regardless of how much sense it makes.

* * *

There is still so much more to learn and I will continue to keep writing about it.

I still don't know what it's like to be on a first date.

I still don't know what it's like to sleep with someone new. Will I ever get to experience what "the flying hippo" is all about?

I still don't know what it's like to kiss someone who I actually get those ever elusive, ever cliche' butterflies over.

-shrug-


It's been a fun year and I want to thank all the readers who have stuck around since the beginning (Pud, Blinds), who tried it once and passed, who had the courage to email me their own stories (fuck it, I'm also going to thank all the "hate mail" too), who took the plunge and came to me for relationship advice, and finally... to those of you who are discovering it for the first time. Welcome!

I'm actually going to crack a beer right now and cheers:

"here's hoping you'll stick around and teach me a thing or two"

Blubbery

As I was about to step out for my lunch break, my phone started to vibrate on my desk. A call from Lynn.

So@24: Hey, what's going on?
Lynn: Are you on lunch?
So@24: Yep. Is everything alright?
Lynn: Can you talk?

I power walk out of the studio and onto the veranda. My fellow peers are munching away at their sandwiches and enjoying being outside in the LA sun. I am on the phone talking to my ex-girlfriend.

It wasn't a huge problem that she wanted to discuss. She wanted to confide in me on some issues she has been having with her mom. She knows that I am still very close with her mother and wanted to get my opinion on some subjects. This lead to also discussing one of the issues that Lynn has always been extremely insecure about: people thinking that she is cold, non-feeling, and intimidating. A particularly sensitive subject that has haunted her ever since I've known her.

I never once viewed her in that lens, but she has always gotten that reputation and it has always bothered her. I guess I just saw another side and that it wasn't some kind of front she was putting up to be cool or that she was a bitch. It just took a matter of seeing another side.

I digress. When we started to discuss this subject, I started to hear something I haven't heard in quite sometime: a quiver in her voice. She was getting, what I always called, "blubbery".

Before I continue with my story, I should explain that one of Lynn's biggest critiques of me is that I wasn't sensitive enough.

-hold for gasps-

But it's true. I do have a history getting weirded out when the water works start to flow and not being very supportive (I always figured she wanted to be left alone... whoops!). And I was never good at expressing vocally how I felt about well... anything.

Hearing her starting to get blubbery through her words, I visualized her on the other end of the call with her cheeks flushed and those big tears start to roll. A vision I used to know all too well. I felt my heart start to race and started to get a little panicky, much like I used to when we were dating.

I took a breath and thought to myself, "Stop being such a fucko, So@24. You're just talking to someone when they've come to you for advice. Nut up."

So, I just talked to her about it. I'm a different person now and I should be able to at least be there and have an adult conversation for someone who used to do the same for me. The breakup changed me in ways that made me grow for the better.

Forty five minutes later, I got her to laugh a few times through her tears. And told her that she should feel free to call me anytime if something important like this came up again.

Lynn: (voice still shaky from crying) I haven't cried in forever. I forgot what it's like to. I was doing crying almost daily when I was with [her most recent ex].
So@24: Crying every day huh? That's awesome.
Lynn: (starting to laugh, sniffs up tears) Are you being sarcastic??
So@24: Hahaha, nope!

-both laugh-

Gerbil in a Cornfield

Beth: Come on, admit it.
So@24: Admit what?
Beth: You still have feelings for her.
So@24: There's a difference between still having reminiscing, nostalgic feelings for someone you dated 6 years with VS. being this shell of a man who is losing sleep and can't do normal functions of his life because he's engulfed with a girl.
Beth: It's not one or the other. There's a middle ground in there. I'm sorry for teasing.
So@24: I do miss certain things though. I miss how everything with her was black and white. I knew how she felt about me and that she legitimately cared about me and I never once questioned it. I guess when you don't have that, you miss the simplicity and security of it all.

And then when you lose 'em, you're like a gerbil in a cornfield... terrified of all these eagles circling overhead.
Beth: At least you can be proud of your own character now, if not the past. I mean, imagine if you two ever got back together... it would be a much, much, much better relationship
So@24: I'm still racked with guilt at what a shitty boyfriend I was. But you're right, it was definitely a bucket of ice water dumped on me.
Beth: At least you got the opportunity to be have that conversation with her. Salvage at last something from the relationship and be happy that you got a chance to apologize and have her hear you.

Faux Parenting

It might get a little sappy for a moment. And I understand that I'm risking chiseling away any piece of masculinity I might have left in your eyes.

A couple things may have triggered this next line of thought. One was an email from a reader I received on Friday evening:

Were you planning on marring Lynn while you guys dated?

Did she know you were thinking about it, did you guys talk about getting that serious?

And/or do you think that she pondered too long if you were going to ask her or not, e.g. did you guys get into any fights/ discussions about this topic?

The other trigger was a photograph I came across when I was Greco Roman wrestling with ginormous dust bunnies under my bed over the weekend.

First was the email about marriage to my ex. Of course, it was discussed and quite maturely, I must admit. We agreed that we would wait, because we weren't ignorant of the fact that 50% of marriages in the US ends in divorce and that each year you wait, you increase your chances of a successful marriage (ahhh, the joys of being a sociology major).

It was never something I was scared to discuss and I never got panicky about the idea. It was something I was looking forward to... eventually.

The picture I came across is one that was taken when Lynn and I took a little girl to the zoo. Lynn used to babysit a little girl occasionally, when the girl's parents would take trips to the mount and be gone for an entire weekend at the time. Her parents knew me well enough so they didn't mind me staying over. It didn't happen often; I probably did this about four times total.

I used to drive back home from college and I'd stay the weekend. The little girl was barely 2, so Lynn and I played with her, put her to sleep, fed, cleaned up vomit. I remember at night, being on pins and needles, waking up to the slightest sound coming from her nursery. I'd nudge Lynn awake, "Do we need to check on her?"
"No, she does this all the time. Stop worrying."

I'd be excited to wake her up in the morning and she'd hold my hand as we walked down the living room. I'd grab her a bowl of dry Cheerios and she'd sit next to me on the couch while we all watched cartoons together.

Truth is, I loved doing the faux-parent thing; even if it was just for a few weekends out of the year. This isn't to say that I'm anywhere close to being able to do it now. But at the time, I loved the idea that it was going to happen at sometime. And more specifically, with Lynn. We made a damn good team.

After I found that picture, I tucked it back into an album and took a shower to clean the dirt off from The Great Room Clean of 2008. I got to some deep thinking (tends to always happen when I take showers for some reason)...

Am I ever going to find someone who will get me that excited about marriage and having a family with?

It's hard to imagine. And of course, I know that I can be melodramatic about these things and being completely realistic, somewhere down the line, I will.

But I can't help but wonder.

The pic.

Lunch with Lynn

I wake up on Sunday morning in a sweaty panic and immediately reached for my phone. A text from Lynn:

"I'm running a little late, I'll be there at 1:00".

Whew. That gives me time to scrub the hangover off me.

The party before was a big success. Nothing really noteworthy took place. Except I think I tried to hit on a girl by telling her over and over again, "You totally look like Lisa Loeb." Smooth, So, smooth.

Chicks love that shit.

I start to clean the destruction from the party and check my watch about 100Xs waiting for her arrival.

As I'm carrying a pitcher full of left over beer, a familiar face shines in the doorway.

Lynn hands me my painting and we hug. I give her the grand tour of the house (she had never seen it since I moved), she pops into Leo's room and says "hello".

"He hasn't changed a bit," she smiles.

We're both starving and we drive to The Alcove, one of my favorite places for Sunday lunch. An outdoor cafe with sandwiches, soups, etc. We grab a table outside and start catching up. There is never an awkward pause and we laugh and joke just like we always used to. She reaches over to pick some fries off my plate and I instinctively grab some of her orange juice. It's like nothing has changed.

So Alcovey.

But a wind eventually picks up and soon the heat lamps aren't doing a damn thing. We decide to head back to the house. I'm surprised that she wants to stay instead of just take off. So we sit in the living room (her on one couch, I'm on another) and I show her some new songs I've been wanting to show her.

"I'm really glad we can do this. Is it weird?"
"No, not as much as you think it would be. I'm really happy we can do this too."

But at some point we talk about what it's like to be single and the weirdness. It's almost as if I'm coaching her on what it's like and how to survive it. If you were have told me a year ago I'd be in this position, I would have told you to fuck yourself. The passage of time really has an amazing impact.

Leo, Michael, Paxton, and Veronica all came back from lunch and joined us in the living room. Again, I thought that Lynn would be uncomfortable and leave, but she stuck around and braved the unusual circumstances like a champ. I moved and sat next to her to make room for everyone.

The act of sitting next to her on a couch gave me a funny feeling. Normally, I would have just pulled her next to me, or held her hand, or something else along those lines. The best way I can describe the afternoon was being conscious and fighting off those instincts. I think I actually folded my hands in my lap.

She had a long drive ahead of her and some things to take care of, so she got up and had to go. I lead her outside, we hugged and I told her how to get back to the freeway.

Leo: I think that you're at a point where nostalgia has worn off, and while you certainly feel the pang for someone to lie next to (don't we all), I think she is no longer "that someone" on your mind. Long and the short -- clear sailing ahead... the storm has finally dipped below the horizon behind you. Out of sight.

Filling in That Blank Spot

I got an unexpected email from Lynn yesterday morning:

Just letting you know that I've made good on your painting that I promised you. But, you get it for your birthday so you'll have to wait! It's a small painting, like 12 x 16 maybe? But yeah, I like it alot and so you should feel honored that I am willing to part with it and give it to you :)

Thanks SO SO SO much for your help! I really appreciate it, and I know you helped me tweak them a lot for the better. I will keep you posted on what happens next.

Hope you had a good weekend.

- L

Lynn is applying for grad schools and I offered to look over her essays a few months ago. She has never been the strongest writer, so I actually used to do this for her all the time both in high school and college. I tweaked them, added notes, and sent them back to her. It was no big deal, I was happy to help.

Last night, as I tucked a bookmark into my Greek mythology book, I looked around my bedroom for a place to put this painting.

There's a blank spot on my wall, right above my television, where a Spirited Away poster once occupied. You can still see the tacs in the wall that held it in place, with pieces of the corners of the poster still stuck underneath.

Most couples find something that's "theirs": a band, a song, a movie, a restaurant, etc. Miyazaki movies, especially this one in particular, was ours. I haven't watched them any of them since and I can be honest with myself when I say that I still don't think I'm quite ready to.

One night, when I staggered home from the bars wasted off my pathetic ass, I ripped down that poster while a dangerous mixture of whiskey, anger and emo-ness brewed in me. I didn't want to be reminded of it or of her and that poster wasn't helping. It was coming down.

But as I sat in bed last night staring at that blank spot on my wall, I thought that this would be a perfect spot for her painting. I'm in a different place now. And it feels good.

Post Relationship Guilt

I'm not quite sure how it came around, but yesterday afternoon I had an epiphany. And then I was suddenly struck with intense guilt.

I really should have paid for half of her birth control. Why didn't I? I was obviously receiving half of the benefits (probably more, who am I kidding?).

And that shit was expensive! I don't even remember how much it turned out to be exactly, but I think I remember her mentioning that it was somewhere along the lines of $200 every other month or something.

Which makes me wonder, how many guys pitch in for birth control when it's not free? Has any other guy thought about this before? I mean, it's kind of dick not to at least offer right? Especially after all that time!

I can't tell you why this suddenly occured to me, but there is a certain degree of guilt that's hanging over my head today.

Face to Face

... after over an entire calendar year. I reunited with my ex-girlfriend Lynn of 6 years.

And it couldn't have gone better.

She called me when she got off work

Lynn: Okay, I'm ready.
So@24: Okay. Well. Have you eaten?
Lynn: I'm starving.
So@24: Me too. Our movie doesn't start for a couple of hours anyway, so let's grab something.
Lynn: I know you joked about it, but we shoul...
So@24: Oh you mean go to...
Lynn: How do you know what I'm going to say!?
So@24: That diner that we used to go to right next to the theater, right?
Lynn: Augh! You knew! Okay, I'll see you in a few.

It was a miracle, but I convinced my mom to give me the keys to her Audi (sweet!). On the drive over, my hands started to shake a bit and a few butterflies started to flutter about in the ol' gut.

When I pulled up in front of the house, it really hit me: she is going to come walking out that door any second.

And she did. And she looked just like I remembered her.

She stepped into the car and smiled.

"I think we can hug."

We did. And although she couldn't see, I was grinning like an idiot.

We had 3 hours to kill before our movie started. I ran some errands with her before sitting down in the diner. It was completely empty except for us.

No awkward silences. No long breaks in conversation. We talked for two and a half hours about everything you can imagine: our past relationship, mistakes we both made, her other relationship, her break up, my friends, her friends, grad schools, my new job, movies we saw in the past year, music recommendations. Everything. I was happy to get things off my chest and I think she was too.

It's weird when you have to consciously fight your natural instincts. Walking through the parking lot to get to the theater, I automatically wanted to throw an arm around her waist like I always used to whenever we'd go anywhere. Or hold her hand during a movie. And I felt comfortable enough to tell her about this and she laughed.

We headed to get some frozen custard after the movie and agreed that Juno was "okay". It was funny driving at eating ice cream at the same time; we both laughed that we're used to feeding each other while the other person is driving, but that it wasn't appropriate anymore. So I'd grab the cup from her when we'd hit red lights. But the last scoop, she actually fed to me. It was fine.

Dropping her off, we took the back roads. I stepped out of the car and we hugged. We agreed it wasn't awkward and we were glad we could do things like this. She said she'd call me in LA and that "we weren't that far away". I said I'd love it if we did this again.

And then I drove away after I made sure she got inside okay.

I'm still the same. I'm not pining for her. I'm not wondering if this is the first steps in some quest to get her back. I'm okay with being friends.

I'm glad she's back.

Grown Ups Pt. 2

So@24: See what I'm saying? What if I don't budge on that principal that I strongly believe in: being friends with you. It's extremely important to me (you already know that)
Lynn: oooooh
So@24: So would I be making the same mistake as I did with you?
Lynn: well I dunno
So@24: See the irony there?
Lynn: you would go into it telling them how you feel about it, and that you would show her that she has nothing to worry, but you'd still consider her feelings at all times
future is more important than past though, So@24.
So@24: Yeah. It's just sad.
Lynn: it's tough
So@24: I should be able to be friends with you. You were too important for too long
Lynn: but I enjoy being able to call the shots about that now too
like "you have to trust me that I am going to be friends with my exs and it's not a big deal" and "I'm just telling you now that it's imporant to me"
So@24: I'm glad you have that mindset now
Lynn: looking back it was good to cut things off, but there was always that pressure that someday I knew I'd want to talk to you, and there'd be a problem
So@24: Right right. Exactly

Lynn: I've learned a lot from both of you... what I do and don't want in a relationship
So@24: What do you think I need?
Lynn: I already told you! Blond, large breasts, like video games!
Really though: fun loving, easy going, likes to have fun/go out, silly, not too emotional, gets your humor, have a good sense of humor herself...
So@24: Right. It's going to be a tough one to find.
Lynn: somewhat spontaneous, but lazy too, a nurturer since you are kinda a baby.
So@24: What!? How!?
Lynn: You can't even buy you own plane tickets and you can't drive through traffic!
So@24: Damn.

So@24: Well that was a nice heavy discussion we got into, eh?
Lynn: hahaha relationships and feelings
So@24: It's probably good for me! Gotta get used to that sometime!
Lynn: yep!
So@24: But dont apologize about admitting that you cared about your ex. It's comforting to me that someday I'll be able to feel that for someone else and it just wasn't "you". If that makes sense.
Lynn: yeah I understand. It's possible
So@24: It sometimes hard to believe that
Lynn: but never expect relationships to be the same. I kind of made that mistake. I expected us to have the same sense of humor, same jokes, same interests...
So@24: Yeah, I'm going to need to you to tell me what to expect for next time
Lynn: Just everyone is different, and therefore every relationship is different
So@24: You'll probably have to be my point man for advice on what it's like to start new!
Lynn: hopefully...... okaaaaaay mister. Time for me to eat and take a break from the computer!
So@24: Okay
Lynn: and you get off work soon
So@24: Nice chat. We're "mature"
Lynn: good talking to you :) have a good night
So@24: You too
Lynn: we are, grown ups!
So@24: Who would have thought we could do it?
Lynn: I did :)

Grown Ups

So@24: I think it's good that we can openly talk about this stuff now. We're kind of learning how to go through it together.
Lynn: I want to do this as a "team" instead of me running the show. I didn't like controlling when we talked and being the one to make the decisions. So being able to talk you about it all and how I'm feeling helps. As long as you're with me and we can make these kinds of decisions together.
So@24: I completely agree. I wonder how many ex-couples openly discuss this stuff and really work through it together on rebuilding a friend ship. I really like that we can do that... I think it says a lot about you, a lot about me, and a lot about both of our characters
Lynn: Very true.
So@24: I'm happy. I think we can do this.
Lynn: Me too.






----------------
Now playing: Shiny Toy Guns - You Are The One

Looking Toward the Future

Apparently my post yesterday caught the attention of both my roommate and my cousin. They had a few things to say to me this morning:

Leo: Do you wonder if you'll ever have it better?
So@24: I'm not following.
Leo: Putting aside my own personal thoughts on the matter, I'm asking you if you're ever hit with the thought that you might not find a better girl... a girl you find more attractive -- physically, mentally, socially, etc. Do you ever wonder if you'll find someone better or do you doubt that you ever wil?
So@24: Hahaha, I think about that all the time. And it scares to me, to be honest.
Leo: Let me tell you that you're not alone. I think everyone, literally everyone has those thoughts after breaking up with a long-term significant other. It's especially strong in your case because, for the most part, you guys grew up together. You shaped each other's mannerisms, personalities, etc. Truth is, thankfully, that space away from someone gives you time to sort of come to grips with yourself -- and I think you'll realize soon that you have nothing to worry about. There will be another and she'll be better.
So@24: What's bringing this all of a sudden? This is coming out of nowhere!
Leo: Sometimes you get drunk and say shit that leads me to believe you're still beating yourself up about it. I just wanted to let you know my thoughts.
So@24: Fuck. I don't remember saying anything like that in a long time. I usually keep that shit to myself.
I think about it sometimes, but I don't dwell on it. If that makes any sense. The thing I miss most is her friendship; you know that humor was a big deal to me. And parts of me think, "Man, if only these stupid little things were different, it would have made all the difference."
Leo: This is called living and learning.
Nostalgia is a way of looking back, painting over the bad bits, and selling it for more than it's worth. Trust me on this one, there will be another. Probably several. If you don't believe m, just consider the numbers.
So@24: The numbers?
Leo: Number of girls in our age bracket multiplied by the percentage you'd deem attractive. Say one girl in 50 hot girls finds you engaging and interesting... you're still dealing with millions. But it takes time to extricate yourself from that post-breakup nostalgia
So@24: You have to admit I'm much better than I was even a few months ago.
Leo: Buy me a beer when it happens.
So@24: I'll buy us both a beer. And perhaps the new bird. Under my arm. Chugging with us.
Leo: Exactly. Methinks you're getting it.
So@24: Perhaps dude, perhaps.
Leo: It's true. There are girls who will love to lay around and watch reruns of Quantum Leap or the A-Team, but who ALSO love to go out in a ruffle skirt and get wasted, then come home and have lots of drunk sex
So@24: Big money! Big money! Big money!

Mimi: I can't wait until you have a new girlfriend
So@24: Why!?
Mimi: Cause you'll be a better boyfriend.
So@24: Ouch.
Mimi: You weren't a bad boyfriend when you were with just me and her. But then again, you never said "I love you" which is weird.
So@24: Hmmmm, yeah I'm not quite sure where I picked that one up.
Mimi: Were you insecure with her?
So@24: Kind of. Not until the end of college. Remember when I was huge insomniac? Didn't go to bed until 5:00 watching Nick@Nite and then going to my 8:30s?
Mimi: Yeah. That was weird.
So@24: I mean, I knew she cared about me a lot. But deep down, I was scared that once I graduated and moved down here, it would be too much. Which was dumb, because me not telling her these things contributed to it. Chicken and the egg kind of ordeal. When did this get fucking serious??
Mimi: You aren't alone. A lot of people think that. Yeah and this is getting way too serious for my tastes. You're gay.

Picture This!

I've crumbled a few times and gone against some of the cardinal rules of the Post Break-Up Rule Book. I doubt that anyone has the strength to actually be cleared of all rules; everyone slips up on a couple.

I'm guilty of some of the classics:

• drunk texting
• sending mix cds
• listening to music that brought me back.

But I've been able to be pretty good about some and damn proud of myself:

• I packed her photos away and haven't looked at them once.
  
• I never drove out to her house in the middle of a rainstorm, dropped to my knees and yelled "STELLA!"
  
• I never once MySpace/Facebook stalked her, for fears of coming across the dreaded "couple picture" set as a default.

-elbow nudge- Eh, Blondey??

So when I say I haven't seen her in a year, I mean that literally. That streak broke today.

My friend Jack is a new addition to my cluster of Los Angeles chums. He never was around during my girlfriend era and never saw her. During an online conversation today, he asked to see a picture. A reasonable request.

I pulled up an album I created on Facebook called "College Favorites" and searched for the one picture of her I kept on there. It was one that I'd always loved, but she hated. I think she took it when she was bored and laying on the carpet, waiting for something (me to finish up getting the whistle on Super Mario Bros. 3 sounds about right). She's making the face that most girlfriends make when they are waiting for their boyfriends to finish their video game. It's really an insignificant photo, but I thought it was funny and she was very pretty in it.

I never told her that. I never told her that I loved that photo. If you knew me, I'm not the type to voice these kinds of things. It's embarrassing and it makes me feel vulnerable to spew these types of romantic cliche's. But in hindsight, it's terrible that I didn't. 6 years? What was I afraid of? I'm not sure where that phobia originated from.

Good news, I didn't get that wave of nausea I've become used to. I smiled and sent the picture off to Jack.

So@24: Cutie, eh?
Jack: Yeah dude. Definitely.

It's so much easier to admit these things when I can hide behind my computer screen.