Here is the second part to Lynn's guest post. I hesitated posting this for quite sometime, because I try to make a conscious effort to post entries that only fit the theme of the blog.
Also, Lynn says a lot of nice things in here and I didn't want it to come off like I was using her Q & A as a showcase of how "great" and "wonderful" of a person I am. It's like blog masturbation and I'm not a fan of that.
However, you guys are an insatiable bunch! I received a ton of emails inquiring about when this post would go live, so I caved.
This post was completely driven by readers. These are the questions that you posted as comments or emailed to me directly. So if it's terrible... I blame you. If you don't see your specific question listed, it's because it was similar to another one and it got scrapped on the cutting room floor. My b.
Oh and Maxie, I didn't post your blow job question, but the answer was "no". It's okay, I cried a little inside too.
Enjoy!
So@24
It’s pretty complicated, but one day I was on a friend of his’ My Space page, and on it was a link to her blog. I clicked on it, was reading her blog, and then started clicking around on her friend’s blog links. Apparently I clicked on his because all of a sudden I was his cartoon drawings and “Starting Over at 24” and knew it was him! I freaked because at this time we weren’t speaking, and so knowing what he was doing and thinking wasn’t something I wasn’t ready for!
How did you feel about him blogging about you and your relationship?
I honestly don’t mind it at all. I believe that it’s therapeutic for him, and gives a lot of people insight into his world, so it does nothing but help. As long as he doesn’t trash talk me to the public, I’m good!
How do you feel about SO and your mom being friends?
When he and I were in the worst part of our break up (not speaking) his relationship with her really, really bothered me. I actually asked my mom to stop talking to him, and so she lied and said she would… but didn’t. Lame. Looking back I don’t really blame her though, due to their close relationship, but for a while it did bug me. Now I have no problem with it. My mom was like a 2nd mother to him, and their relationship is very unique… so I respect that.
Why were you and your ex-bf in couple’s therapy?
Oh man, I knew I’d get this one! I was livid when I read that So@24 posted that on here, but looking back I really don’t blame him. It IS pretty pathetic. My ‘other’ ex and I were in therapy because we fought too much. I am a huge committer and so I was determined to make it work until it was undeniably broken. I soon after discovered that it was really, really broken. Hahahaha. Ugh. And it was just free counseling at my university… so it wasn’t super professional or anything. Does that make it any less weird?! Haha probably not.
What advice do you have for SO in order to expedite his mission of getting laid?
He needs to get the balls to approach more girls! This is his biggest struggle due to his lack of confidence. He thinks girls aren’t into him, and so he doesn’t approach them. He just needs practice, some ‘liquid courage’ IF you know what I mean… and really, just needs to be himself. I did him, so he isn’t a freaking mutant!
Do you seriously not read SO's blog?
I do read it now, now that I have his ‘okay’ and we are at a place where we are cool. Before I didn’t read it after the day I first discovered it. It just upset me too much, and held me back from moving on… which I wasn’t into. So honestly, no I didn’t read it! WILL POWER!
What did your second boyfriend have that SO didn't have?
Wow, wow, wow, ballsy question!!! That really isn’t the way it worked though. He didn’t have anything that So@24 didn’t… he was just the opposite of So@24 in every way, shape and form, and that is what drew me to him (and eventually pushed me away from him too). In my state of clouded judgment, I went for it. Lame, but that’s what happened.
What first attracted you to him?
His humor. He has in incredibly unique sense of humor, as do I, and so we were a really, really good match for each other in that way.
How do you feel about SO now and the comments he gets (most of which are "you're an awesome guy" etc)?
I admit that I feel really defensive at times. It makes me want to yell “you don’t know my side of the story!” but then I remind myself that his intention isn’t to be praised for being so wonderful, it just works out that way . He is honest with himself and knows he wasn’t perfect when we dated, so I don’t feel as much of a need now to defend my decision.
After reading So's blog did you see another side to him and maybe consider giving the relationship another go??
Give it another go? No. But what it does do is opens my eyes to how much he has grown since all of this, and therefore makes me happy knowing that it wasn’t all for nothing. He will be an amazing boyfriend to some girl some day, and I love knowing that I helped get him there.
How do you feel reading some of So's antics? Do you get all protective or are you as cool as a cucumber?
Due to the fact that he hasn’t dated a ton, I haven’t had a much of a chance to get super protective… but I will tell you now that I will be really upset if I have to watch him get fucked with. I do still care about him a ton, and so if girls start playing games with him and mess with his head and heart, it will be really hard to watch. I will just make sure to know my limits, respect our situation, but remind him to stand up for himself and his feelings.
If you could go back and change anything between you and So would you?
I would change the way we broke up. It was a messy and sad breakup, full of mistakes on my part and his. I would have not rebounded so soon, and ended things in a cleaner fashion. Could I have done that not knowing what I know now?
No way, but it would have made things a lot easier on both of us.
Have you considered writing your own blog?
I don’t write well enough to have ‘fans’ and I have no time. I am in grad school and working full time. I have just enough time for Facebook and MySpace, and that’s all. Hahaha.
If you could give So ONE piece of dating advice what would it be and why?
Oh my gosh, you do know that I ‘started over at 23,’ right?!? I have only been single for 11 months now, and so I am still so horribly naive when it comes to dating!
Honestly… have fun and be open minded, but be picky, have high expectations, learn from your mistakes, don’t play games, be honest and communicate.
Recognize red flags when you see them… and always remember: when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them.
How would you feel about being portrayed in a film written from your ex-boyfriend's point of view?
I actually trust that So@24 would respectfully portray me with taste and honesty.
Why do you think SO hasn't had sex with ANYONE since you? Is it his love for you that's keepin' him from getting it on or is it a mad case of high-school-game-itis?
I really don’t know because I’m not inside his head, but I pray that it’s the latter. I want him to get some ass. As awkward as that is to say about my ex boyfriend, he needs some. Two years is a long time to go without, and I want him to get experience so he can be amazing with his future wife ;) Not to say he sucks in bed (because he doesn’t at all!), but you can really learn a lot. Oh god, he probably is going to hate what that implies about me! Bwahahaha!
Do you think you two are friends because neither one of you are seeing anyone right now, so it's easy to be friends?
Good point. We are friends in the way that we want to be right now, because neither of us have to answer to anyone. If that changes, we are going to respect our "partner's" wishes though, and will cross that bridge when we come to it.
I know that I personally will always want to have a relationship with So@24 and don’t want some new guy trying to control it, but at the same time, I will make sure to prioritize the new relationship and respect boundaries and limits. I’ve told So@24 I want him to do the same, and make sure to never put me before a new girlfriend. That’s just asking for trouble, and your future happiness is more important than past relationships!
Best trait of SO?
I love his sense of humor, creative mind, imagination, sense of style (now, thanks Amy), laugh, writing ability, weirdness… and the fact that he is yet to be tainted by the LA game playing jerks of America!
What's the dealie-o with being friends with an ex who CLEARLY still loves you?
Um, I don’t think he still loves me like that. I trust him to be honest with himself enough to know if our friendship is good for him, or not. I do my best to be aware of his intentions, motives and feelings… but I’m not inside his head so I can’t know 100% what’s going on up there. But my best guess is that he is moving on.
Do you miss being with SO sometimes esp. since you guys seemed to have such an emotional bond?
I missed him as a person so much when we were apart, but now I have the fun friendship part back, minus the drama and bad stuff that came with dating each other! It really works out
If you don't have any romantic feelings for SO but are content being friends, would you offer him dating advice like his other chick friends do without feeling a tiny bit jealous?
We have JUST now gotten to the point in the friendship where we are talking about dating and our experiences in doing so… so now I do think I will be able to talk to him and help him out. Before? No way. Now? I think so. I really do want him to find someone to be happy with because he deserves that, and I don’t want to let my own jealousy get in the way. Why would I be jealous of something I chose to let go of too? That’d be lame! It’s also a way to gauge our “moving on-ness.” If we are real true friends who have moved on, we should be able to talk about that kind of stuff! … and now we are!
Were you friends right after you broke up or did you have to have some time off?
In order to cope we didn’t cut things off 100% right away (it was too overwhelming and sad to think about), but the moment I realized that it was preventing us from moving on, I decided we needed to cut things off. We didn’t see each other for around a year, and didn’t speak for over 8 months. It was so, so hard, but was the right thing to do for both of us.
What would you say was the one thing that contributed the most to breaking up with SO?
I wasn’t where I needed to be on his priority list, aka he wasn’t where I needed him to be after 6 years of dating.
Did any of what a lot of the commenters have said in response to SO's posts hurt or anger you?
Like I kinda mentioned above, I tended to get really defensive and want to explain my side a lot. It did hurt, and I wanted So@24 to defend me… but I got over it and now I try not to read what you guys say too much because I know it’s only one-sided (what you hear and know).
When you two decided to call it off, who was the person that decided to reach out first and be friends? And how long after the breakup did that take? Or was friendship part of the deal for the split itself, and in that case, how and why?
I reached out first because I was the one who cut off the communication. He left it up to me, and so I made the move when I felt ready. I made sure to see if he was ready too though, because I didn’t want him being sucked back in.
We went about 8 months not speaking, and over a year not seeing each other. It wasn’t in the plan of our break up (meaning we didn’t know what was going to happen), but I had to force myself to be content with the fact that I ended it with So@24, and then it would be his choice if we were to still be friends.
It wasn’t my decision to make because of the position I was in, so I let it stay out of my hands. I tried not to dwell on asking myself “will we will be friends??” too because it overwhelmed me, and scared me into not wanting to completely break up too. I just let it be, and so far have been so so so happy with the way it’s worked out. I know we are rare and lucky.
Is SO as funny in person as he is on his blog?
Funnier. Wittier on paper, but yeah for real… just as funny. It’s not fake.
Do you prefer SO blog to be anonymous or would you not care it is wasn't?
You mean would I care if he used names? I don’t think that would be a good idea just because of the nature of the internet, but it really isn’t a huge deal in my eyes.
After so many years of dating, why, after breaking up, do you still remain friends? If you can't be 'with' someone, why spend friendly time together?
Why would anyone be friends with the opposite sex then? Because you enjoy their company as a person, but don’t match with them relationally. So@24 and I are not a good match as a couple (fought too much, had a hard time communicating, etc) but work out great as friends since our feelings are less invested and intense.
I want to know if SO ever took the blue line off his eyes when you did it. Or did you like to make him leave it on?
Hahahaha oh man, sick! No the blue line was off… that only appeared after we ended things ;)
Up until this point, you haven't had to deal with So having another girlfriend (or even getting laid - sorry buddy!) How do you think it will make you feel/how do you think you'll handle it when the inevitable occurs? Has your relationship evolved into a solid enough friendship to weather that?
For a long, long time So@24 and I avoided talking about our dating experiences and interest in the opposite sex, simply because we knew it would make both of us uncomfortable. But now it is actually a big help in the way I gauge our friendship.
True platonic friends do talk about this kind of stuff: dating, sex, relationships, etc… and so I believe that if So@24 and I are real true friends without ulterior motives, we should be able to talk about it. Speaking for myself I know I will be okay with it. I want him to be happy, and I know that one day he will end up with someone else… and with that comes stories of dating and sex.
I wouldn’t have been ready 6 months ago, but I’m cool with it now. Only time will tell, but I’m prepared. I can’t say that he is ready to hear my stories yet (being that he freaked when he found out I had slept with someone else - haha), but it’ll just be something that we ease into over time. We are on our way.
Don't you think Gancey should take SO@24 on a hogging expedition for the ages?
Um, what?
Do you feel like you needed to become someone on your own, outside of your relationship and separately from the person who you grew up with through college? Do you feel like you became the person you are today only due to the fact that you are no longer with SO?
If you are asking if that was what was going through my mind when I broke it off with So@24, then the answer is no. But do I agree looking back that I have learned a lot about myself now that I am away from our relationship? Then the answer is yes. When So@24 and I ended our relationship, my initial intention was not to step away from the relationship and discover myself.
I really just didn’t think that we were a good match for each other, and so I thought we shouldn’t be together. Now that I have been away from the relationship and have grown up as a person on my own, I do think that it was a good choice on my part for myself to take that step back. I did need that push to be on my own and see what it was like to live for myself, instead of another person (So@24 really was my world).
Any regrets?
Regrets that our relationship is over? Sadly and bluntly, no. I think great things grew out of our break up for both of us, and we are much better people now because of this experience.
Regrets about how I handled myself in the breakup? Yes. I regret how I went about handling our break up, and for moving on so fast. I hate that my rebound-relationship expressed to So@24 that I didn’t love him as much as I did (I understand why though), and that I hurt him so much in all of this. That was never my goal, and if there was SOME way to break up with someone WITHOUT hurting them, then that’d be exactly what I’d have done… but sadly, that isn’t the case. There is no such thing.
I did things the best I knew how in that moment and time, but hindsight is always a killer. I didn’t know better at the time (meaning I had never gone through a break up before and didn’t know how to approach it, deal with it, or cope with it), but I do now… and all I can do is learn and apply to prevent pain for the future!
What are the top 5 absolute best things about dating SO?
- He never criticized me or tried to change me. Over the years, many people in my life have felt inclined to inform me that I am “too rigid and overly serious,” and so it was nice to have that one constant person love me just for who I was.
- He got me. 100% he got me. My humor. The weird way I explain things. Things I think are funny. Things I enjoy. He got it without me having to explain it or justify it. It’s rare to find, and I truly appreciated it then and even to this day
- His favorite activity with me was to “lay.” We literally would spend days and days just “laying” around, doing nothing but watching movies, eating junk food, and sleeping. This is a trait hard to find in society’s busy, non-stop, must-be-doing-something-
active-all-the-time culture! Some may think it’s boring, but I appreciated it (especially after dating millions of “lets go do something all the time” type guys). - His taste in music. Although he could be horribly closed minded to new music (and he only became open minded after we broke up, likely just to be nice), he and I have the same taste and I love that. It isn’t until you date someone else with a shitty taste in music do you then really begin to appreciate it though.
- His gift giving abilities. When he really applies himself and wants to express his feelings, he is the best at finding silly, unique ways to show it. And when I say ‘gifts’ I don’t mean expensive presents. I mean thoughtful ways to show you care. From weird packages in the mail, to mix CDs full of lyrics about you, to silly cartoon drawings left on your doorstep… his presents are heartfelt, and I always appreciated them.
What makes you want to be a guest blog at your Ex's blog?
I felt like everyone wanted to know so much more about me, and that it would give everyone a good insight into ‘the other side.’ There are always two sides to every story, and I felt like it would be good for his readers to know both? I admit my intentions were originally a bit selfish in my desire to ‘defend’ myself, but honestly now I just thought it would be fun, entertaining to see the reactions, and even good for So@24 to see my thoughts out on paper!
