The Ex, Her Mom, and Me.

My cellphone woke me up at 9:30am on the dot and as I was shutting off the alarm, I read the text from my ex-girlfriend's mom, Andy:

"you on your way, young man?"

Indeed I was. I got into my car and headed south to spend a day with my ex-girlfriend and her mother. I have hung out with Lynn. And I have spent time with Andy. But never at the same time since the break up, almost two years ago ago.

When Lynn's car pulled up, Andy stepped out with a smile on her face.

"Hello, Mr. Frog."

A playful nickname she had give me back when I was in high school on account of my wide feet.

She walked around the car and gave me a hug. I hugged Lynn and she lead me into her new apartment.

Andy had driven down in a U Haul to bring Lynn all of her things. The living room was cluttered with plastic bins and boxes. 8 potted plants sat on the floor. Andy had packed some things for me to move into my new place as well as potting 4 plants for me.

We spent most of the afternoon lounging around the apartment talking until Lynn suggested we go to Ikea to look for more things for her move.

Andy, Lynn and I strolled down the aisles looking at things that Lynn might need. Andy kept insisting to buy me things for my new place and after telling her 100 times, "No, I'm fine! I promise! You've brought me too many things already", I eventually gave in and let her buy me a lamp and a snazzy cheese grater. With certain people, you learn it's just better not to fight these things.

I must admit that a peculiar feeling washed over me as Lynn and I walked side by side picking out items at Ikea.

"Geeze," I thought. "if Lynn and I were still together and everything went according to plan... her and I would be picking out things for our place. Weird how things turn out."

I physically shook this thought out of my head when Lynn asked me to help her pick out curtains for her room.

After about an hour in Ikea, I could sense an all too familiar feeling. Lynn did/has a tendency to get a little "crabby" when she hasn't eaten for awhile or when she is stressed. She had a midterm the next day and I knew that she was feeling overwhelmed with a day fighting the crowds in Ikea and playing host.

I'll admit that there's this instinct that's difficult to shake off. This powerful urge to make her laugh. Back when we were dating, I'd just ignore her gripes... pull her in, give her a kiss on the forehead or crack a lame joke or simply place a hand on her back and she's instantly snap out of her funk.

But, that wasn't my job anymore. Not my obligation. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.

So I didn't. I just kind of her let do her thing and tried to sway the conversation to something else. Instead, I made the suggestion we skip straight to the register and get something to eat. Andy and I exchanged a secret smile, because we both were used to handling Lynn in her crabby mood.

We grabbed a meal at a bar/restaurant combo and being in Costa Mesa, the place was crawling with cookie-cutter girls who all looked the same. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and weaving in between tables, I gave quick glances at the girls I was surrounded by. Might as well have been paper chain figures.


Making my way back from the bathrooms, I quickly tapped our waiter and passed him my credit card. I knew that Andy would put up a fight to pay the bill.

I sat back down at the table and placed my napkin across my lap. Lynn flashed me a smile. It's difficult to really explain how frustrating it is to think that your ex is still the prettiest girl.

The check came (already paid) and Andy was a little upset at my trickery. But I smiled and told her that we were even for all the stuff she bought for me earlier.

After dinner we spent a few more hours back at Lynn's apartment chatting, there was never an awkward moment... it was just like old times. But eventually I had to head back for work the next day. Lynn and Andy helped me load my car with my new treats. I hugged Andy and promised I would see her when I was back home for Christmas.

"Oh! I almost forgot! I have some more music to give you!"

Lynn came running back with a cd. I gave her a hug and climbed into my car. I immediately put in the mix she made for me.

* * *

Now this next part is for those readers who might read this blog for that insight for what it's like to start over again.

A song that came on the mix instantly sent a wave of shivers up my spine and by the end I was covered in goosebumps. I'll paste the YouTube link below as well as the lyrics. Keep the song on in a window and listen to it while you browse other things. I believe it's the perfect song to sum up this post and my feelings thus far.

I hope it does the same for those of you who are still in the thick of things.



And for my fellow lyric fiends who are like me and have to read while listening:

Relient K "Up and Up" Acoustic version

Yesterday was not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today, with every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more

'Cause it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see
But I'm finally catching on to it, yeah, the past is just a conduit
And the light, there at the end is where I'll be

CHORUS
'Cause I'm on the up and up, I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up, given up on what I know I'm capable of
Yeah, I'm on the up and up and yeah, there's nothing left to prove
'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you
A better version of me for you

Now I have all that I could ever need
The confidence of knowing there's still time.
Time to make amends and try to build a better me
And to take the right steps as this road unwinds

You see I'm finally catching onto it, the past is just a conduit
And the light at the end is where I'll be

CHORUS

Never cease to supply me with what I need for a good life
So when I'm down, I'll hold my head up high
'Cause you're the reason why, yeah, you're why

CHORUS

The Letter

A few month's ago my ex-girlfriend's (Lynn) mom Andy was hospitalized temporarily. I continued to talk to her on occasion, but I got the sense that she was bored or lonely; most likely a combination of both. "They don't let me do anything!" During one of our phone conversations I asked if she wanted to take on a project I had for her, if she was up to it.

I had a grocery bag FILLED with photographs, dating all the way back from freshman year of high school to when I first moved to Los Angeles. Unorganized, overwhelming, and I've been too lazy to ever put them in albums.

Andy offered to put them into albums for me, so I sent them to her.

The day I was moving, I had a package waiting for me on my porch. Opening the box, the smell of Lynn's house immediately bitch slapped me. I haven't smelt that in forever. It's like in the cartoons when the smell from the pie cooling on the windowsill turns into a hand and beckons to the cat which causes it to float a few inches from the ground.

There are somethings that you wait until you have time and privacy to check into. I usually wait until right before bed to open these things. I cracked open an album and started looking at Andy's work. The last album I came across was one almost entirely dedicated to Lynn and me. Pictures I haven't seen forever. Some pictures I have never seen before. It was extremely emotional, but when I was finished I closed it and had a moment for myself.

This blog has evolved into something else besides an outlet for me to express my emo thoughts about my failed relationship. But for those who still read it to get insight on "closure", the letter that my exgirlfriend's mother tucked away in the pages of last album was something that was extremely touching and insightful. Especially since Andy, herself, is NEVER a serious person and rarely addresses the more serious subjects of life.

Reading her letter, I could feel my eyes burn a bit and got that "throat chokey" feeling (the smell didn't help), but when I finished and closed the last leather bound album, I was smiling. I've posted it below for those who still need that insight:

8/23/08

Sweet boy,

Well, here they are. I hope you weren't in a hurry.

It's weird. It turned out to be very emotional. Just thinking of your life, my life, and Lynn's. Who would have ever known how all of our lives would go?

There was a certain period that I know was the best ever to me, but I know that it is not good to think of the past too much. I am slowly learning to look forward at all three of our lives.

Now maybe I can think positively and just watch you two and myself go ahead. For a long time, I couldn't do that. Now we both can, and we might even be really happy.

Lynn too.

I hope we can always stay in touch. I know I want to.

Love,
Andy

Andy's Text

As I've stated before, I have a unique and rare relationship with my ex's mother. We keep in touch on occasion, she likes to know what's going on in my life, my career, if there are any movies I should recommend for her, etc. Always light hearted and jokey; she's really like a kid herself.

Last night as I was meeting a friend for dinner, I got a text from Andy randomly (she'll do that from time to time):

Andy's text: Hey! Where are all the girls?
So@24's text: Haha. What girls??
Andy's text: Anybody who takes the chance to talk to you or get to know you will see the best things about you. Someone will find out about you even if it isn't happening right away. You will be surprised. You just can't be so shy. Believe me, I know.

It was a really nice text from her and I definitely stopped walking to reread it again. Her and I rarely get into "serious" discussions like this. I think the last semi-serious discussion we got into was about the real meaning of the Beatle's song "Norwegian Wood" (dude, the guy burns the girl's house down at the end because she won't sleep with him).

I wonder what inspired her to write that? Where did it come from?





Sidenote: This entry made me crack up in my little cube today. Can you see where she's talking about me? It should be a pretty easy find.

Back in the Motherland Pt. 6: Day with the Ex's Mom

I'll admit I was a little nervous while waiting for her to pick me up for the movie. I'll even admit that I was more conscious about what I looked like (what if she talked about me to Lynn? What if Lynn asks how I looked?), not going out of the way to do anything extreme, but I did choose to wear a sweater that I've gotten a lot of compliments on.

I chewed on my nails and wandered around the house until she came to the door. I wasn't quite sure what to expect or why I was so nervous. I opened the door and I couldn't stop the huge grin on my face. She stepped in the house, asking to pet the cats. I slipped on my shoes and as we started so leave, she picked up a framed picture in the computer room smiled. It was an old prom picture of Lynn and me (I'm not sure why my mom still has that out).

"This is such a good picture of you two." Set it down and then we headed out the door. She asked if I wanted to drive and tossed me the keys to her car.

Opening the door, I was knocked back by the smell. I haven't smelled "Lynn's smell" in such a long time, it was really bizarre.

Andy wanted to catch the matinée of "No Country for Old Men" which was only showing in one theater in downtown Portland. It was also a little weird to be walking in that theater again, which was one that I used to only frequent with Lynn. I guess that associated hasn't quite faded yet.

After the movie, we had some time to kill before I had to meet up with my friends so we wandered around Portland getting lost on purpose. We spent most of the time looking through windows at shops and pointing out and laughing at weird, little figurines and bizarre toys. I really had to hold myself back to keep from asking about her daughter.

We grabbed a slice of pizza (oddly enough, at one of Lynn's favorite places... like mother like daughter, I guess) and then she dropped me off to meet with my friends.

We hugged again and she told me to keep in touch.

Surprise Care Package

I had a particularly exhausting day at work on Tuesday. Traffic was worse than usual and I slithered out of the car when I finally parked in front of the house. Dragging my knuckles like a caveman up the porch steps, I noticed a large manila envelope addressed to me sitting in front of the door. No return address. I didn't recognize the handwriting. I never get packages, so this threw me off a bit.

I tossed my keys, wallet and CD faceplate on the couch and ripped into the envelope. Dumping the contents onto the table, I knew exactly who it was from. Lynn's mother had sent me a care package for no particular reason.

• various candies; Airheads, Bottle Caps, Jellybellys, Sour Punch Straws
• a tiny wind up fishing game. Do you remember this??
• a postcard with the cover of The Beatles' album "Rubber Soul". A funny coincidence, since she and I used to joke that we'd dance to "In My Life" during Lynn and my wedding.
• random little knick knacks

The smell of the package made me nostalgic. It smelled exactly like Lynn's laundry detergent and the general smell of their house. I haven't smelt that in quite awhile. It was pretty strange, I'll have to admit.

It brought a smile to my face. I opened a Blow Pop and laughed at the situation... how often does an ex's mother send a care package to her daughter's ex-boyfriend?




----------------
Now playing: The Beatles - Norwegian Wood

My Turn

Once I got sick of sitting on the leather couch, staring at the ceiling in my underoos, begging the Weather Gods to take the Los Angeles heat away, I decided it was time to crack my knuckles and get to some serious writing. My favorite section in Newsweek magazine is "My Turn". It's where readers can submit a personal essay of any topic they choose and if Newsweek likes it, it gets published. I've wanted to write one for awhile, but was never sure what to write about. After a phone call on Saturday, I had an idea. I present it to you in its entirety. It's a long one.

***

Whenever The Beatles' 8 Days a Week erupts from my cell phone, I immediately step outside and allot a good chunk of time for this particular call. My roommates roll their eyes; they know exactly who it is and do not approve. I don't blame them. I'm sure many would raise an eyebrow at the idea of someone who still keeps in touch with his ex-girlfriend's mother.

I suppose that when a relationship ends, there are certain ties that inevitably sever besides the most obvious one. The places both of you would always go together, her friends, her family. But how do you forget a woman who was like a second mother to you for six years? Andy was with me during the most important times of my life: from the end of high school, through college, and the first tumultuous years when I was thrown into the working world. Which, despite popular belief, made it extremely difficult to let that part of me go. And I venture to say, it was for her too.

After the devastating break up, Andy continued to call me on occasion. The phone calls were frequent for the first few weeks, just to see how I was coping. At some point however, our conversations drifted away from my feelings of heartbreak regarding the now former relationship with her daughter, to life in general. We discussed my career goals, trade movie recommendations, and even went so far as laughed together at the horror stories of dates I had recently been on. She sent me care packages on my birthday, Valentine's Day, and we met at a small coffee shop during Christmas break. As if nothing had ever changed. We had fallen right back in stride; the subject of conversations became the trivial, banal occurrences that happen in anyone's life. Our conversations no longer focused on the standing between Lynn and me, but have transformed into that of a surrogate mother checking up on her adopted son. How could I, or she for that matter, forget someone who had played such a vital and intimate role in our respective lives?

My contact with Andy has had its fair share of critics. My ex-girlfriend certainly wasn't the biggest fan that we were still in contact, not to mention her new boyfriend. Lynn considered it a betrayal and was understandably concerned for her boyfriend's feelings. What I could not make her realize, was that it was no longer about her. My bolder friends have confronted me, implicating a sort of hidden agenda; a plan to somehow resurrect my relationship to Lynn through her mother. I can tell you, nothing could be farther from the truth. People have a hard time swallowing that my friendship with Andy to be something as simple as it truly is; they cannot accept that there are no underlying motives lurking beneath the surface. I suppose the greater question is, why do we so willingly accept this fallout of associated relationships following a break up as inevitable?

Even though things didn't quite work out between her daughter and me, I know Andy wasn't able to end our unique relationship either. Even after mother and daughter had an earnest discussion and Lynn explained she was uncomfortable with the situation, Andy would call me when she was alone. Or at least beyond the scrutinizing eyes of her daughter. She went to great lengths to check up on me; often using a land line to eliminate the evidence of our clandestine rendezvous from cell phone call logs. Eventually Lynn turned a blind eye to the situation and they now follow a strict “don’t ask, don’t tell” maxim.

I once asked Andy, "Why do you continue to stay in touch with me? Don’t you get sick of people giving you a hard time about it?"

There was a brief pause and finally she responded, "I don't care what people think. I like to talk to you and I like to see how you're doing. I guess I'm just too much of a mom." That was good enough for me. Good enough for the both of us, I suppose.

I'm sure psychologists would have a field day with this relationship. Or perhaps they would quickly dismiss me as another case of someone who can't let go. Is this kind of pseudo-mother/son relationship conventional? Probably not. Will anyone ever really understand it? Unlikely. Is it healthy? Honestly? I don't know. I think it is. But before you decide, consider my perspective: how do you cut off contact with the person who sent you funny magazine clippings because she thought it would get a laugh during your lonely periods of college? Or who picked you up with nothing more than a gas can and a smile when you were stranded 30 miles outside of town in the middle of the night? Or when you napped Christmas morning, laid an extra blanket over you and kissed your forehead?

Maybe you think it's weird. I've yet to come across someone with a similar relationship with their ex's parents, but I like to think that they exist. I will handle the snickers and the sighs, as long as I continue doing what I feel is, "okay." It is too rare to come across those people in your life who genuinely and sincerely care about you a great deal. Much too rare to simply forget.