Coming Clean with Janice

It's fucking hot in LA. Really. Fucking. Hot. And nothing is better than a cold, frosty beer on a scorching summer's day after work.

Everyone's gone, so I have the entire house to myself. I should take advantage of the situation, but instead I log into my MySpace account.

Oh look. Janice has written me:

letsssss hanggggg outttttt!

(hang out not make out!)

:) :)

I just pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh. Maybe I've had one too many Miller Lites, but I respond with:

I've grown tired of flirting. I'm ready to cash in.

Maybe that was a bit too honest. But at this point, I figure it's "win-win". She gets disgusted that I am really only invested in the key to her Love Bunker. Or she actually gives me the key to her Love Bunker.

I think I'm too buzzed to care about the circumstances at this point. Happy Labor Day weekend everyone!

Taken From the Archives Pt. 3

It's been awhile since I have been on a long road trip. Everyone knows that when you take a road trip, one cant take for granted the power of a great mix cd. I would have loved to make a new mix, but my desktop from 1997 is whirring up a horrendous sound (the hamster running the wheel must be getting tuckered out) and I'm scared of my computer to be quite honest. So, before I made my 5 hour trek up to Stockton I blew the dust off my old Body Glove cd case and tossed it in the dusty Accord.

It's a unique feeling when you listen to a mix that was made years ago... it totally brings you back to that very specific time. I pulled out some classics and it was a lot of fun; and a great mix can almost makes you look forward to the long drive. However, I was running out of mixes and I still had 3 hours left. Flipping way in the back of the case was a teal, unmarked cd. I never have owned any blank teal cds, but there was one person who did... Lynn. I knew that whatever music that was on that cd would be songs that I would directly associate with her and me. Us.

I made a decision, I was going to take my music back. I found these songs first. I was the one who introduced them to her. These were MY songs.

I popped in the cd and just as I anticipated, a flood of memories came back to me: a trip to the beach, singing in the car around the hometown, driving down on the weekends from college. My stomach dropped after the first couple of songs and I chewed through my fingernails until I actually drew blood. I got through about 3 songs, skipped 4 and then ejected the cd. I dont think Im as over it as I thought I was. Underestimating the power of music & memory is a fragile thing. It'll be awhile before I play that mix again.

But I think it means something that I gave it a shot.

Rick: big ups for trying to reclaim and props for knowing when to stop

The Burning of the Man

Gonna be another boring weekend. My roommate and all of my friends are at Burning Man until Monday.

I sat on the edge of his futon and watched Leo pack his clothes and food for the week. My interest peaked when I saw him shove 6 condoms into a duffel bag.

So@24: Why are you packing all those? You honestly think you're going to have that much sex this week??
Leo: Are you kidding me? It's Burning Man, dude. No one holds back.

Fine. Go off and have crazy, anonymous, drug-induced sex with topless hippies.*


...


I'm bitter.

* don't believe me? google image it yourself!

Mind of a Stalker

I completely creeped myself out this afternoon.

While I'm taking the elevator down to lunch, a cute girl steps into the elevator. Here is my thought process broken down:

1. I check out her face. She's cute. Nice skin. Nice teeth.
2. I check out her body. Ample bosom. Holy shit, she's the same height as me. Double bonus!
3. I check out her hair. Pulled back into a pony tail, I likes.
4. She is on her cell phone. She's speaking in both Spanish and English. Damn that's cute.
5. I notice that she was coming from the 12th floor... she must work here... maybe there's a way I can...

And I stop myself. Is this what stalkers do?? Am I a fucking stalker? Within 15 seconds of seeing this complete stranger I've done an complete scan analysis on her like the Terminator when he walks into that biker bar on T2. And then I figured out a way I could learn more about her; by quickly figuring out that she got off at the 12th floor.

Maybe this is what ALL people usually do? But for some reason, I felt like this is what Ted Bundy went through before he pounced on his victims.

-shudder-

Please tell me I'm normal.

Shitty Couples

I am confident that everyone has a set of friends who make up "a shitty couple". You know what I'm talking about: the two people who are constantly at each other's throats, who are constantly holding up the rest of the party train, who say they are never going to speak to one another again only to make up within 24 hours, who break up more times than I have teeth in my mouth. Two stories have come up this weekend that I need to address from two very shitty couples. In both situations, I am friends with both parties. Who should get the Worst Couple of the Year award? You be the judge:

Shitty Couple 1: I guess I shouldn't call them a couple, because if you ask them yourself... they will say they aren't. Girl is completely delusional and I can't count how many times she's gone out of her way to tell me, "We're not going to have sex anymore" after they get into a fight. Only to find out, they boned within 24 hours. Guy constantly complains about the girl cramping his style when we're out at bars, will blatantly flirt with others (with Girl just sitting and staring in the background) and when he strikes out... he shacks up with Girl.

This weekend, they show up to a party already pretty pissy from the get go. Not surprising. But on the drive home, they get into a "squabble" and Girl isn't wearing her seatbelt. Guy demands she puts it on and she refuses out of spite. Guy decides to teach her a lesson by slamming on the brakes and she flies forward and knocks her head on the windshield (that's pretty funny actually). When she stops seeing stars, she throws a hail mary right to his face. Guy gets out of the car, rips off his shirt (that Girl bought him that day) and throws it in the dirt. He storms out and marches up the street with Girl in tow... he threatens to sue her.

She stays the night. The next day, they spend it together in Malibu.

Shitty Couple 2: Second verse, same as the first. They are known to ruin every single weekend. They haven't gone one weekend, in the past two months, without getting into a huge blow out. "Fuck her, I never want to see her again" or "Fuck him, I'm seriously done with this" has been known to spew out of their word-hole's frequently. Of course, this ends with them spooning together by the night's end and the next morning, both pretend nothing ever happened. This last weekend, Guy literally threw all of Girl's possessions off of his apartment balcony. Cutesy MySpace comments are posted this Monday.

Seriously... wtf? I'm not going to say that my relationship was absolved of our fair share of fights, every relationship does. But not to this magnitude and definitely not as frequent. What keeps these people together? Do they really, truly see the other person as "the one"? Who they want to spend the rest of their lives with??

I think I have a higher probability of solving Tupac's death than understanding these couples.

This American Life: Break-Up

Leo pointed me in the direction of the newest This American Life broadcast. It's pretty long and I've only had time to listen to the first 4 minutes, but it's pretty amazing.

I absolutely love this part... I love that they don't stop recording and they capture the long pauses. Listen carefully and you can hear her voice quiver a little bit when she says,

"That's the thing that's so weird. You put so much energy into something and then one day it's time to stop."

If you want to hear the entire broadcast, go here.

Emo Posting

*Warning: Emo Posting Below*

Random reminders will come up and bite you in the ass when you least expect it. I somehow got the inclination to go through and clean out my mailbox. That was the dumbest idea I've come up with. I stumble upon an email titled "Chin Up"... but it was sent from my old school email address, so naturally this sparked my curiosity:

I'm writing to remind you of how much I LOOOOOOOVE you and to make sure you're okay and not taking this dumb-ass class's rejection to heart.

You're always so hard on yourself... please don't take this personally or as a bad sign because it's not. Maybe you're just meant to come home and STAY WITH ME!? Your crabby girlfriend?? Hmmmm?

You have a ton of talent and SOON will find a way to work and be happy and creative and have fun and make money. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself to KNOW what you're going to do in the future, you're only 22. You're not a business man yet, don't worry.

So I hope you're feeling okay. I'm sorry I'm not there to distract you or take your mind off it... I care about you a TON and worry when/if you're sad.

Everything will be okay.

- Your L

Ahh... I remember why I sent that to myself. So I wouldn't forget it when I changed email addresses when I first opened my gmail account.

It makes you wonder though. Is she ever getting these reminders like I am and wondering what I'm doing at that very second? It's like the sniper from Saving Private Ryan puts a slug in me every single time I come across one of those things.

I refuse to let this ruin my weekend and try my best to ignore that fucking pit in my stomach.

*Post Script*

I totally just laid it down to this annoying coworker... not in the mood for cordial office banter:

(while I'm on the phone with an agent)
Annoying Coworker: I need Brian's number!
- I point to my headset to indicate that I'm on the phone -
Annoying Coworker: I need Brian's number!
- I point, again, to my headset-
Annoying Coworker: Hey! Hey! I need your help!
- I rip off my headset when the agent hangs up -
So@24: What!? What is it? I was on the phone with ----!
Annoying Coworker: I need Brian's number and email
So@24: Brian? Just Brian? Care to elaborate? Perhaps a little more information to indicate which Brian you're referring to?
Annoying Coworker: Oh yeah.

Yeah, maybe I was being an asshole. Fuck it.

Just Me and the Girls

I drove straight to Manhattan Beach from work last night to meet with some college friends I haven't seen in quite a while. Everyone is gearing up to go on my friend's 21st birthday celebration: she got a houseboat for a week. All girls. I was offered to go (as the only male), but had to decline. I have to work and I didn't want to intrude for an "all girls" party... or whatever.

Arriving at my friend Vanessa's house, the girls (4 of them) were drinking glasses of wine while still getting ready. Waiting around for them to get ready brought me back to my college days where 90% of my friends were girls. Me sitting on the floor while they'd step over me to get to the bathroom or have a conversation with them, making eye contact through the mirror while they sit cross legged on the floor applying makeup.

The rest of the evening was pretty uneventful. Dinner, an alcohol run, and then back to Vanessa's house to polish them off. We found a channel that was showing The Wonder Years and we took shots of Smirnoff while discussing how good that show was. Perhaps it was the vodka swirling in my head, but it got me thinking: when am I going to find my Winnie Cooper??

I told myself I was going to sleep in my own bed tonight (I have a real neurosis about that). But when the girls started waving more shots in front of me, I had to defend myself.

Here I am, typing from The Cube, the girls on their way to a weekend on a houseboat, and I'm wearing the same clothes I wore yesterday. Maybe no one will notice. Classy.

Promise Me!

If I am...

1. Married

and/or

2. have children

and still have a MySpace account... any and all who read this have my permission to rip out my testicles with a pair of rusty garden shears. I want you to promise me.

My Friend Boned a Widow

My good friend Will, months ago went through the steps to legally marry couples. He's not a religious man, by any means and to this day I'm not quite sure why he did that. It's really fucking random. But I digress.

He plays on an indoor soccer team back home and a couple on his team asks if he do the honors and marry them. He agrees and marries them off. During the reception, Will tells me that this older woman (mid 30s?) is making eyes at him all night. They flirt the entire time and he decides to do a little investigating on her background...

Turns out, this seductress... is actually a recent widow. With kids.

Does this stop my friend from pursuing this milf? Absolutely not. I get a phone call from Will while he is tidying up his apartment (hiding his Gamecube) and running to the store to buy a couple bottles of nice pinot noir. Slapping my forehead and closing my dropped jaw, I wished him the best of luck.

At 9:00 this morning I raced to my cubicle to make a long distance phone call to get the details straight from the horse's mouth.

Will: Hey, I can't talk about this now, man. I'm at work.
So@24: Fine. But tell me what I want to know.
Will: Let's just say she got a babysitter for the night. I'll call you on my lunch break.

I guess that's one way to tackle the dating scene!

Stick Shift Love

I'm not even a car guy; in fact, I could give two shits about cars. But there's just something about a girl who knows how to drive a manual.

Here's to the girls who can work a stick shift (insert horrible joke here).

Epic Battle with My Penis

I had an interview this afternoon for a new job. I'm transitioning out and taking any interview that comes my way. I was fortunate enough to land an interview to be the personal assistant to an A lister. I met his current assistant for the interview at a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf (so Hollywood) and we dived right into what the dirty details of the job.

So@24: So what's an average day like for you?
Assistant: Well, there really isn't an "average day" per se. It's 95% personal. Fixing things around the house. Walking his dog. Grocery shopping. Drycleaning. That stuff.
So@24: Hmmm... I see...
Assistant: I just want to be straight up honest with you about what it entails. But don't get me wrong, there are a few perks.
So@24: Like what?
Assistant: You get to travel with him where ever he goes. He goes to New York a lot, you get to hang out with him on set, you get to kick it with him in Vegas with his buddies and go on ski trips.
So@24: That's pretty amazing!
Assistant: Yeah, especially if you're straight and single. Trust me.
So@24: Dear Lord...

Of course we talked about other things besides the abundance and the consequence of star-struck girls. But damn. Isn't it sad that's one of the factor's I'm focused on. I can admit how pathetic that is.

At least I'm honest about it.

May the battle rage on...

Superbad

It's still hard to go see really funny movies sometimes.

I still want to call and tell her all the good parts.

Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace (1024x768 & 1280x800 WideScreen)

An Emo Song, a Blunt, and a Peanutbutter & Jelly

Leo: dude, super sad song. I shouldn't let you listen to it. you'll go all emo.
So@24: what is it??
Leo: Some James Blunt.... pretty song. super sad.
So@24: Not listening to it.
Can't.
Won't.
Leo: good. you'd go all mushy. That hard veneer of yours hides those soft insides
So@24: Hahaha! I have a hard veneer?
Leo: yeah dude
So@24: everyone has their Achilles heel
Leo: I was you like 2 years ago. A veneer made hard by a pinch of bitterness, feelings of bamboozlement, and a lack of closure.... the insides were softer than yours 10 months out and I was still figuring my shit out. If I had listened to this James Blunt song then, I would've called her. now I just smoke weed and eat a PB & J.

Ph.D. Ponderings

I became close friends with an acquaintance of mine in college about the time my relationship with Lynn ended. Riley's boyfriend had just ended their relationship and it was nice to be able to talk to someone who could relate to a similar situation, who asked the same questions, and didn't mind listening to me being an emo bitch for hours on end. It was a symbiotic friendship where we both helped each other out as best we could. We still occasionally check-in with each other every once in awhile and have heart to hearts when things are particularly rough.

Riley: do you have time for a mini h2h?
So@24: Of course. What's going on?
Riley: now its not all about greg, but more about my life in general. i'm trying to decide whether or not to get my phd and there are a lot of things to consider, but i can't help but think that guys are intimidated by smart girls
So@24: Where is all this coming from?
Riley: i'm starting to think i'm going to be single for a long time. i dont want to end up alone with my cat and my degree!
So@24: Where is this all coming from though? What sparked this all of a sudden?
Riley: b/c i'm being a stupid girl and still feel a little bit lonely
So@24: I know you aren't seriously considering giving up your degree because you think guys don't like brains... unless... is that what you're saying?? Besides, look how many dates you've been on and we're only 24.
Riley: if you meet me and i tell you i'm getting a phd, doesn't that freak guys out a little
So@24: No! Not in the least. And you have to ask yourself... do you want to really date someone who is freaked out by your phd??
Riley: ugh, i know i know
So@24: I mean, give me a break. Those guys are fucking dbags if that's the case.
Riley: dbags! youre right and i feel like i know all of this, but i just need to hear it sometimes. b/c sometimes i get discouraged and think that guys want smart girls, but not girls who are too smart
So@24: I would disagree with that. At least amongst myself and my circle of friends
Riley: seriously! you are right! what kind of guy doesn't like smart chicks
So@24: Feeling a little bit better?
Riley: yeah... thanks man. so what's about you? any love interests?
So@24: hahahahah, nope. Not at this time! Riley: well if i knew any girls i thought could keep up with you... i'd gladly send them So@24: I cant tell if thats a compliment or not
Riley: it totally is! you're smartie and quick on your feet. witty and full of energy! not many girls can keep up... at least the ones that i know
So@24: HAHAHA! I don't know about all of that, but thanks.

Puma Swede's Pit

Leo got the hook up for a Club Jenna dvd premiere party over at Privilege, one of the hot spots in Hollywood. I'm not sure how he got the hook up for this, since we've never gone out to any of these clubs before, but I didn't ask questions. A party at a popular Los Angeles club with a guest list with a bunch of porn stars? Count me in!

Leo spots a crowd of photographers swarming around a platinum blond. We come to discover it's actually a famous porn star: Puma Swede. Leo, fueled with the courage of booze, decides that it's time to get ours and asks to take a picture with her. She agrees and as we prepare our best smiles for the picture; Puma lifts up her dress for the camera. No underoos. Uh... that was a little unexpected. I'm sure the picture turned out great though.

A little later on, as we're shoulder bumping people weaving in and out of the dance floor, Puma and I lock eyes. She's absolutely shit faced, sloppy. Barely able to keep her head steady. I wait to see what her next move is. She turns to face me directly, smiles and reaches out to me. My eyes widen as big as dinner plates; what the hell is this drunk porn star going to do next?

Puma towers over me with her high heels and grabs my head and shoves my face (mouth open in shock) into her bare armpit. She laughs hysterically and flashes me a smile. "You like that?"

She released me from her grip (I'm gasping), turned and continued talking to her group of friends as if nothing happened. I try and fix my hair and return to my friends.

Only in LA.

An Embarrassing Confession: My First Kiss

Maximizing my work day, I was discussing with my friend Veronica about the everlasting debate on how a guy approaches a girl he is interested in. This got me thinking... I haven't had to do that ever. I've never experienced what it's like to approach someone and show interest; not when you had a girlfriend for as long as I did. But it made me think about a time when I actually had to...

This anecdote is a favorite amongst my circle of friends. And I love telling it. The story of my first kiss with Lynn. Enjoy.

There's a common theme for first kisses... the guy says something completely "douchey" right before he goes in for the kiss. I think it's because at such a young age, we don't have the crutch that is alcohol to help guide us. We're all on our own out there. And you need to think of a good way to get the girl close enough to you so you can land one on her.

So, it was at that part in the pre-relationship where you've hung out with the girl a couple times, but you aren't really official or anything. You know feelings are there, but no real push has been made yet. It was Lynn's 16th birthday on a cold, brisk October's eve. She still had her shiny braces and a thick brown pony tail. I had frosted blond tips and slung a Jansport backpack over one shoulder. I drove over to her house and it was just me, her mom, her best friend and myself.

Nothing big. Presents were opened. I had a slice of cake. Blah blah blah.

So it comes to that point in the evening where I need to go home. Lynn offers to walk me to my truck.

We're out there. It's cold. We're just talking and we're smack dab in that moment where a kiss is going to happen. I know it. She's knows it. But it's just a matter of getting to that perfect scenario. We start to run out of things to say (her presents, how she liked her birthday, what we're going to wear to school the next day, the fall of the Berlin Wall, etc) and we're a few feet apart. Close enough to have a conversation, but far enough to where I can't really hold her. I start to panic and just say the first thing that comes to my mind. I need to say something and it needs to be said now:

"Those flowers are brown"

Mind you, I am talking about some flowers on the side of her house that have not survived the October weather and for some reason, I say that. Immediately after saying that I am swearing up a storm in my head as I start to sweat profusely.

"Why the FUCK did you say that!? What the hell was that!? 'Those flowers are brown' What did you hope was going to happen, slick??"

She looks at me confused and says, "Uh... yeah I guess they are."

After I say this, I do something I think is completely smooth and manly. This is the COOLEST thing that I think I can do at this point. Something to make her swoon and give her the best memory of a 16th birthday a girl can have. She'll be putty in my arms. I grab her by the empty belt loops of her jeans and pull her next to me.

Damn, that's good.

She wraps her arms around me and again... at this point, I could have (SHOULD have) just gone in for the kill. Done deal. It would all be over. The "those flowers are brown" line was pretty toolish, but whatever, it can't get worse. I should have just kissed her...

But I don't.

I panic again and feel as though I have to say something else to break the silence. And I utter the three most humiliating words I can think of. Even before typing this out, I am starting to sweat a little bit...

The words that come out of my mouth are...

Am
I
buff
?

I'm not even a cocky guy. I wasn't even a cocky guy then. Who knows why I would have said that!? I was shaking like a leaf. A buff leaf, I guess.

So I gave her her very first kiss and on the drive home, I am just yelling and cussing and knocking myself in the forehead. "AmIbuffAmIbuffAmIbuff" What the hell. What the hell. To this day I still have absolutely NO idea what that means.

Ahh... young love.

Missed Calls

Janice
8:48 PM
Mon, Aug 13

Janice
8:59 PM
Mon, Aug 13

My voicemail: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii, this is Janice. Why don't you ever answer your phone? And respond to my texts? Call me back.

Guh. Please leave me alone.

The Hyena, The Vulture and Other Things

Veronica celebrated her birthday yesterday evening and she did not hold back. Her drinks were stiff and our friends kept them coming. Like most birthday girls our age, she was having a difficult time composing sentences and maintaining her balance. She blamed her heels, of course.

I've had my fair share of experience with taking care of extremely blacked out females. I think it goes hand-in-hand with the college life. All of these being my friends who I would never even think about doing anything remotely sexual with. In my heart of hearts, I'd actually like to believe a lot of males in this world would have the decency to not monopolize on the fact that this coma-induced girl cannot fend you off from putting your penis in her vagina.

Alas, I have seen so many guys at bars prove me wrong. And nothing disgusts me more. There are two types that came out of the wood works:

To The Hyena:

You only scavenger carcasses. She's obviously blacked out and can't make any logical judgments on her own. The sex can't even be as good as you're imagining it, unless you're all about the necrophilia lifestyle. Which judging by your "cool", unkempt Hollywood-beard, plaid shorts, the Virginia Slim hanging off your lower lip, and rubber Croc sandals, you'd fit the M.O. My only job is to get my friend from the bar to a nice couch in one piece.

Everyone looks to me and Leo to get our sloppy comrade out of the bar. Hyena has his arms wrapped around Veronica's waist.

So@24: Alright V, let's get going. Unless you're okay here?
Veronia: O...............k.
Hyena: Don't worry about it, bro. I think she's good to stay here.
So@24: -with cocked eyebrow- Right. V, let's roll.
Veronia: -gurgle, gurgle-

Look buddy, I appreciate you wanting to find yourself a girl for the evening, but I'm not trying to cockblock you, please trust me on this.

Leo grabs her wrist and escorts her out to the front of the bar. He is holding her up and I run to the car to pull it out front for easy transport.

Meanwhile, our dear friend The Vulture has been circling V the entire time. The Vulture stays in the background and circles its meal, but sweeps in sporadically to make sure he's still noticed.

I pull the car upfront and motion for Leo to get in the car with V. We have all of our friends taking care of her, feeding her water. The extra "help" that Vulture is offering is just a ploy to get her to go with him back to the lair: he'll take care of her the rest of the way. Again, same story with the Hyena, just let her friends take care of her and you'll have your shot another night... perhaps when she's not on the verge of vomiting her Cosmos all over the upholstery.

Finally got Veronica in the car and she sang Saves The Day's See You at the top of her lungs out the window while Leo and I exchanged looks of "oh boy" via the rear view mirror.

Epilogue: Veronica puked a lot and slept in Leo's bed. I watched an episode of Planet Earth to muffle the vomit noises.

Shorties Get No Love

A conversation I had with my cousin Mimi this morning. Interesting insight (as always).

Mimi: Who is this? (sends me a link to a guy's myspace)
So@24: He was in my frat with me in college. Really nice guy
Mimi: he's kinda hot, looks small though. I'm trying to get over the whole height thing, for your sake
So@24: Well, you getting over it really doesnt effect me, but it's a good mind set to pass on to others
Mimi: i've never dated anyone under 6'2", can you believe that
So@24: you go to any of those myspace surveys people do and you look at what they answer with "height"... it's always like "At least 5'8". Fuck you all. Don't even give us a chance
Mimi:well seriously. who says "5'3"??
So@24: It just sucks that "short" automatically = undesirable! So I'm doomed to only date girls shorter than me??
Mimi: no you're not doomed, lately a lot of hot girls i've seen are dating asian men
So@24: It's weird, but I always think that white girls wouldnt even think asians are cute. I'm half though!
Mimi: you don't look half, you don't look full either. i don't know what you look like.
Mimi: it's ALL about confidence, how you hold yourself and clothes. all these asian boys have cute clothes and confidence
So@24: the thing is... it depends on who im with. like when im out with you guys back home... i'm pretty outgoing and can hold a conversation and be funny (i think). but when im out with Leo, Doug and all those guys... i don't for some reason
Mimi: i know why. it's cause when you're out with home friends they are the type that don't go looking for girls; which makes girls want them more. LA friends are always on the prowl, you can tell.
So@24: and i, ironically, had more confidence when i was dating Lynn
Mimi: you seriously need to act like you don't give a fuck, which you genuinely normally don't. especially lately. so that's good. Clothes? You're working. You need a new hairdo maybe
So@24: wow!
Mimi: we'll discuss more later

V.I.P at the Stone Rose

Leo and Kevin were being lame and wanted to drink by themselves at the house, so as I'm walking backwards out our front door, I flipped them off. I wasn't looking forward to going to this alone. I had to attend this going away party for Lindsay.

I'm not one to pay for cover or wait in lines no matter "how sweet the tail is inside". So I'm not used to how you play the whole "line game". Palming money. Having a girl sweet talk the hulking bouncer. You know, that stuff. When I walk up to the Sofitel Hotel, I pinched the bridge of my nose when I notice the large line outside of the bar.

"There's no way I'm getting in here."

Muttering a flurry of cuss words under my breath, a girl pushes her way to the front of the line and speaks to the bouncer; "I'm on the list. My friend Lindsay made reservations". Oh shit! This is my way in! I elbow my way through the collar shirts and tube tops, "Wait! Wait! I'm on that list too!"

I suddenly get a tug on my arm and I hear someone whisper something to me. I turn and it's two girls. They pull me in closer, being fairly aggressive about it.

"We're your guests"
"What?"
"Tell him we're with you. We're your guests."

At this point, I have no idea what to do. I don't want to get kicked out for lying to the bouncer (does that happen??) and I don't even know these girls. And I have seconds to make a decision because he has opened the velvet rope for me. I do the only thing that comes to my mind: I pretend I can't understand them.

"I... uh... dunno... if... uh"

I mumble something that trails off as I quickly duck under the rope and join the girl who is headed to the same party as me.

I can tell immediately why there's a line out front. Every person in here is attractive. And the bartenders (all female) were complete knock outs. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than being in a place like this. I meet up with Lindsay, who is well on her way to taking the first train to Drunkville. It's fun to catch up with her and she introduces me to all of her coworkers. But I don't know anyone else there. I'm can hold a conversation and consider myself pretty sociable, but I definitely felt like an outsider. That awkward guy with a beer in one hand and texting in the other.

New Rule I Learned: Going to a party where you only know ONE person, it's absolutely essential to bring friends.

It sounds pretty obvious, but I don't find myself in that situation very often. I shook hands and learned names, but after that the conversation turned toward other things... that didn't involve me. I didn't stick around too long, took a shot with my friend, wished her good luck in Seattle, and headed back home. Let's hope tonight is a little more eventful.

My liver just shouted "FUCK YOU" to me as soon as I typed that. Shut up, Liver. Stop being a pussy.

Running on Empty

I feel like every ounce of liquid has been evaporated from my body; a week long hangover. I can't keep up with this social calendar. Every night so far (and the rest of the week), I haven't gone to bed earlier than 1:30 am. I'm usually a night owl and this normally wouldn't bother me, but the constant boozing and having to work from 9 - 7 is killing me (and my wallet).

I can't stop though. Too many social gatherings that are in the works and I can't risk missing out on something good.

• Monday: Grease sing-a-long/drunk fest
• Tuesday: Louis CK at the Improv
  
• Tonight: drinks at Stone Rose Lounge at the Sofitel for my friend who is moving back to Seattle.
• Tomorrow: my friend Michael is returning to law school... another "farewell" gathering
  
• Saturday: Veronica's birthday at Edendale

Guh. No rest for the wicked.

Avril Lavigne (1024x768 & 1280x800 WideScreen)

Drought

My coworkers are absolutely hysterical. The only thing I look forward to at work (besides the end of the day) is our lunch break. Our group is the most un-PC, crass, forward, no-holds-bar, group of characters you can gather for an afternoon meal. Nothing is taboo. No one is safe.

This afternoon, we unwrap our Subway sandwiches and begin our lunch banter. Please note, I wouldn't normally be so open about this subject, but since it is an anonymous blog and no one can possibly know it's me... I can share for your amusement:

Chard (with a mouth full of Cold Cut Trio): I need to get fucking laid
Will: No shit.
So@24: Fuck you both.
Will: Why us?
So@24: There is no way you guys have gone longer than me.
Chard & Will: Bullshit.
So@24: Go for it.
Will: I'm almost going an entire month here.
Chard: That's NOTHING! We're talking 4 months.
So@24: ...
So@24: Gosh let's see... carry the 5, multiply the 2... damn near close to a year?
bits of Baked Lays and Sun Chips tumble from Chard and Will's open mouths
Will: Whoa.
Chard: You win. Uh... kind of.
So@24: Yeah, so I say again... "fuck you both"
Chard and Will both nod in agreement and we go back to our sandwiches

A Drunken Musical

I cashed in my balls for the night. I'll admit it with my chin up and chest out. I fucking love the movie Grease. So when Leo called me from the living room to show me that The Arclight had a one-night-only showing for a 21 and over Grease sing-along (they let you drink in the theater), I grabbed the half G of left over Vodka of the Gods and sped to Hollywood.

Imagine an entire theater full of people, drunk off their asses, singing Greased Lightnin' WITH hand motions. I think I was the only male there who crooned along with every song. It really was quite the experience.

I need to find a girl I can get sloshed and sing Grease duets with. I'm absolutely attracted to a girl who doesn't give two shits about acting stupid in front of me; who can shed all those inhibitions. But who wants to date a guy with a talent for memorizing Grease lyrics?

Mimi called me this morning. I guess I text messaged her last night, but there was nothing in my Sent Box. It was the most bizarre text ever and I still don't understand what I meant:

"why did i trade her for her?.b"

I Love My Friends Pt. 4

Leo: Dude Janice has been up in your grill

So@24: No shit! I have not responded to any of her MySpace posts or to her texts and she has gotten pretty pissed about it

"why dont you respond to anything anymore??"

Leo: "cause most likely you're a psychotic bitch lurking underneath an alluring visage of large breasts and coy looks"

So@24: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH

"We Just Wanna DANCE!"

We get it, ladies. We get it. You want to dance. Shit, I like to dance too sometimes (albeit not well). But I need to be really drunk/borderline blacked out before hand and I prefer dancing with people I know.

Leo, Dave, Doug and a couple of our other friends head out for a night of boozing on Saturday. I know, shocking. No more than 10 seconds after we order our first round of Bud Lights, a bunch of Doug's friends come in. All girls. Not too attractive, but I'm not ALWAYS about trying to park my beef bus in Tuna Town*. I like to make friends.

Nothing is more annoying than when you're trying to hold a conversation and the girl is clearly thinking about something else. A couple of blank "uh huhs" and "oh cools" doesn't cover up the fact you're just using those as filler until you spew something moronic out. Every other sentence out of their mouths were, "We really want to go dancing" or "Do you know where a good place to dance is?" or "Speaking of Darfur, let's go dance somewhere!"

Damn. We just got here. I just started wiping off the condensation from my frosty beverage.

We finished our drinks and headed in separate cars to a different bar. With dance floor, of course. Cover was $10 for guys. Fuck that. I apologized to the guys for bailing so early on a Saturday night, but the mindless chatter with these broads had taken the wind out of my sails. And I sure as hell wasn't going to pay for cover.

An hour and a half later, I'm on my couch with a good buzz, 5 empty beer cans surrounding me, and Terminator 2's credit are rolling. I'd say that's a decent Saturday night.



* that was totally stolen from Bloodhound Gang's Lap Dance Is So Much Better When The Stripper Is Crying

Joss Stone (1024x768 & 1280x800 WideScreen)

Liv Tyler (1024x768 & 1280x800 WideScreen)

Kate Lawler (1024x768 & 1280x800 WideScreen)

A 6 Pack and Eternal Sunshine

There are some things you just have to nut up, plunk down some serious scratch for and not feel guilty about it. A few months back I was wandering through the stacks of Borders and I was stopped in my tracks by the sight of a silvery DVD cover. The special edition of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. One of my frat brothers forgot to return my copy in college and I never replaced it. Damn... $30? For a DVD?

Fuck it. I had to get it. It's a Charlie Kaufman masterpiece.

For some reason or another, I didn't watch it right after I purchased it. I let it sit in my steamer trunk for months. Coming home from a rough day in "the cube", my roommates and I polished off quite a few brewskies. After the roommates went to bed and the house was quiet, I had the sudden (drunken) urge to watch it.

I had forgotten how fucking good that movie is.

*SPOILER ALERT*

Some of my favorite lines:

Howard: You want to empty your home, you want to empty your life, of Clementine.

Joel: Mierzwiak! Please let me keep this memory, just this one.

Clementine: I wish you'd stayed.
Joel: I wish I'd stayed, too. Now I wish I'd stayed. I wish I'd done a lot of things. I wish I'd... I wish I'd stayed... I do.

After Joel realizes that he's experiencing his last memory with Clementine before it is erased
Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.

Joel: Can you hear me? I don't want this any more! I want to call it off!

Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.
Clementine: Hmm. Probably.
Joel: I still thought you were gonna save my life... even after that.
Clementine: Ohhh... I know.
Joel: It would be different, if we could just give it another go-round.
Clementine: Remember me. Try your best; maybe we can.

And this is my all time favorite ending to a movie...

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: Okay.