The Hyena, The Vulture and Other Things

Veronica celebrated her birthday yesterday evening and she did not hold back. Her drinks were stiff and our friends kept them coming. Like most birthday girls our age, she was having a difficult time composing sentences and maintaining her balance. She blamed her heels, of course.

I've had my fair share of experience with taking care of extremely blacked out females. I think it goes hand-in-hand with the college life. All of these being my friends who I would never even think about doing anything remotely sexual with. In my heart of hearts, I'd actually like to believe a lot of males in this world would have the decency to not monopolize on the fact that this coma-induced girl cannot fend you off from putting your penis in her vagina.

Alas, I have seen so many guys at bars prove me wrong. And nothing disgusts me more. There are two types that came out of the wood works:

To The Hyena:

You only scavenger carcasses. She's obviously blacked out and can't make any logical judgments on her own. The sex can't even be as good as you're imagining it, unless you're all about the necrophilia lifestyle. Which judging by your "cool", unkempt Hollywood-beard, plaid shorts, the Virginia Slim hanging off your lower lip, and rubber Croc sandals, you'd fit the M.O. My only job is to get my friend from the bar to a nice couch in one piece.

Everyone looks to me and Leo to get our sloppy comrade out of the bar. Hyena has his arms wrapped around Veronica's waist.

So@24: Alright V, let's get going. Unless you're okay here?
Veronia: O...............k.
Hyena: Don't worry about it, bro. I think she's good to stay here.
So@24: -with cocked eyebrow- Right. V, let's roll.
Veronia: -gurgle, gurgle-

Look buddy, I appreciate you wanting to find yourself a girl for the evening, but I'm not trying to cockblock you, please trust me on this.

Leo grabs her wrist and escorts her out to the front of the bar. He is holding her up and I run to the car to pull it out front for easy transport.

Meanwhile, our dear friend The Vulture has been circling V the entire time. The Vulture stays in the background and circles its meal, but sweeps in sporadically to make sure he's still noticed.

I pull the car upfront and motion for Leo to get in the car with V. We have all of our friends taking care of her, feeding her water. The extra "help" that Vulture is offering is just a ploy to get her to go with him back to the lair: he'll take care of her the rest of the way. Again, same story with the Hyena, just let her friends take care of her and you'll have your shot another night... perhaps when she's not on the verge of vomiting her Cosmos all over the upholstery.

Finally got Veronica in the car and she sang Saves The Day's See You at the top of her lungs out the window while Leo and I exchanged looks of "oh boy" via the rear view mirror.

Epilogue: Veronica puked a lot and slept in Leo's bed. I watched an episode of Planet Earth to muffle the vomit noises.