14 Deadly Sins Explained in Modern Language

Here are the original 7 deadly sins, or to put it in layman's terms Sins for which you can kiss a comfortable afterlife good bye - unless you are an undersea worm that loves heat. But then you'll need water and that's complicated. We'll start with the original sins followed by the new ones (go direct).

Lust: Yeah all you sexual perverts are going o end up in hell quick smart. Excessive surfing for porn will do it as will playing over 100 hours of DoA Xtreme Beach Volleyball.

Gluttony: Stay the hell away from that second serving of ice cream you Lucifer worshiping glutton. Oh, and don't go berserk at buffets. Fat people beware, you are on a one way trip to the land of the anti-Christ

Greed: Trying to make money on the internet by having 1000 pop-ups and adsense scattered all over your blog? Say hello to Satan for me.

Sloth: Get up from in front of your damned gaming console and help your mum with some chores. All gaming consoles except the Wii are tools of the devil, because they force you to sit on your ass all day. The Wii which encourages physical activity is the angel of light, while the Xbox360 and the PS3 are demons of darkness.

Wrath: To all those hell-seeking wrath mongers who hated Osama Bin Laden with all their heart and wished him dead - Don't forget to send me a postcard from hell.

Envy: Stop salivating over your neighbors slammed ZO6 and please stop salivating over his sexy sexy girl-friend whos legs start from her neck and who always wears skimpy bathers when she's washing the ZO6.

Pride: So you got yourself all the way to no 1 in the Gears of War multi-player leader-board and you're feeling mighty proud! Say hello to the land that will freeze over if George Bush were to best a monkey in an IQ test.


Here are the new sins added recently by the Vatican. That super-rich little country within a city where that pope dude lives. See pics of the Vatican.

Bio ethical violations such as birth control: Looks like you will have to resort to porn. If not we are going to see an explosion of little Christian babies.

Morally dubious experiments such as stem cell research: Remember that tomato that was spliced with a salmon. I think it was to make tomatoes more resistant to cold or to make salmon easier to catch by resembling tomatoes and not having any fins. Anyway, those geneticists, the tomato and the salmon are now in all probability, suffering hell!

Drug abuse: This includes prescription drugs as well as the usual hard-core stuff. I hope Heath ledger is not finding it too hot up there.

Polluting the environment: Remember the time you pissed in the river? You thought it was fun didn't you? Well Buddy, do I have news for you.

Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor: The only guilty party is taxes! And the god-damn governments that administer the taxes. Taxes are like an anti Robin Hood, it steals from the poor and gives to the rich.

Excessive wealth: Unfortunately not many of us will be guilty of this. One Ferrari Enzo -OK. But ten Ferraris- come on. It's lucky that all those middle eastern camel humping oil sheiks are Muslims, and Muslims don't go up to Christian hell, because if they did go to hell, Satan would be having one hell of a race riot on his hands. Bill Gates knew about this and he continues to give away his wealth. Smart man!

Creating poverty: If you lose your job, your wife, your wealth and hit the streets as a beggar, you are creating poverty. Under no circumstances are you to suddenly become poor and create poverty. Because if you do, Bye bye, happiness. Hello, loneliness. I think I'm a-gonna cry-y.