Share the Love, Piven

A Saturday afternoon spent out at a swanky Malibu beach house is nothing to turn your nose at. And being single, the one thing that is inevitable (and probably a bit Neanderthalic and pathetic) is that the words "beach" and "cute girls" go hand in hand.

I'm not sure what it is about the single mentality, but every time I hear the word "beach" I suddenly think I'm going to, through some divine intervention, find my next girlfriend there. Why is it that I always assume that every single girl on the beach is going to be amazingly gorgeous, strolling around with giant sunglasses and cute, little, sundresses?

In any case, today my predictions actually came true. Leo, Leroy and I headed out to the beaches of Malibu for some much needed r&r at Leo's friend's private beach house. While Leo was preparing the barbecue, he sent me to his car to grab the last bag of groceries.

Walking to the car, I saw two cute, blondies parking their Jetta right behind Leo. Wouldn't you know it? They were wearing giant sunglasses and those cute sundresses (yep, that's the word "cute" twice in a row). They rolled down the window and asked, "Is it okay if we park here?"

"Oh yeah. Absolutely. You're cool."

I spun on my heels to conceal my excitement. I brought my hands to my mouth like a little school girl. What if they were coming down to the beach where we were? What if they wanted to drink with us? What if they were actually cool? What if they want to play chicken with me and Leo like they do in all those 80's college movies? What if... what if... what if...

My power walk turned into a sprint when I sped down the beach to meet with Leo and Leroy, who were waist deep in the ocean. I felt like a 7 year old at Christmas. From my overly enthusiastic reaction, you would have thought I had never seen an attractive girl in my life.

So@24: Guys! Guys! [arms flailing]
Leo: What?
So@24: There are some cute girls who just parked behind you!
Leroy: How cute?
So@24: Really hot!
Leo: Oh dude. They are probably going to Jeremy Piven's place.
So@24: [wind knocked out of me] Jeremy... Piven's??
Leo: Yeah man. His place is right next door? See? He's kicking it on the porch there with all those girls.

Leo and Leroy turn, uninterested, back to the Pacific ocean.

Goddammit! Jeremy Piven!? Like he needs any more fucking girls.

Sure enough, moments later, the two betties who has just asked my permission to park behind Leo's car were holding blue keg cups and peeling off their sundresses into bikinis. On Jeremy Piven's beach house deck.

Dejected, I turned back around and continued to body surf with my roommates like a couple of 13 year old boys.

I looked up once again to see that these girls decided, for some reason, to leave Jeremy's side... walk down to the sand... and then stop right in front of our beach house. One of them even did that thing that girls do where they use their pointer fingers to straighten out their bikini bottoms by running them along the seam. You know what I mean? Am I the only one who thinks that's unbelievably hot?

"Fuck you," I thought. "Fuck. You."

Why do girls do that? There was absolutely no reason for them to come all the way down there, just to flaunt off their magazine-esque bodies directly in front of where we're acting like donkeys in the water. To just torture and tease? What kind of person gets pleasure in this kind of mental torture?

I looked at Leo with my mouth open, shaking my head in disbelief and utter confusion. I stetched out my arm, gesturing to the two beach princesses. "Why!? WHY!?"

Leo shrugged, "Girls man. They know what they're doing. Best not to give them attention." And with that, he turned back around and tried to catch the next wave.