We spent most of Friday trying to polish off half g's of Smirnoff and singing (shouting) Shiny Toy Guns "You Are The One" at the top of our lungs. But come Saturday evening, I was out of ideas how to entertain my friend.
Leslie: How about a strip club? (eyes widen, mouth opens in huge cartoony smile) We need to get your mind of Lynn and onto some boobies!
Guh. Strip clubs. I hate strip clubs. There's nothing fun about strips clubs:
- You have to pay to get in
- You have to pay for drinks
- You have to pay just to watch
- I always feel bad for the girls (even though I'm sure there are some who actually enjoy it and could give two shits). But I still feel bad.
- It's a cocktease. "It's like rubbing wax fruit all over a hungry man"
- Let's face it... strip clubs are fucking awkward.
I drive us down to the Sunset Strip and each time I look in the passenger seat, Leslie is rubbing her hands together in a mischievous manner.
As we pay our cover, I notice the girl in the cashier's box is actually pretty cute. But what the fuck am I going to do? Ask this girl out after shelling out $15 cover for a strip club?
We get inside and NO ONE is there; it is 7:30 afterall. Music is playing. There's a girl dancing. But no one is there.
Leslie: Alright! Let's sit down!
So@24: I can't believe we're doing this. Let's go to the back and drink more.
Leslie: No way. We're doing this. This will cheer you up, I promise!
So@24: Fine, but we're sitting in the very back.
Leslie: Fuck that! You think this is just about you? I want to see some naked ladies too.
So@24: Sigh.
So. It's Leslie and me at the stage. There's some guy in the back, wearing a greasy trench coat, and nursing what looks to be a rum and coke.
Some girl comes on stage and during her routine, accidentally trips on her underwear. She nervously kicks it aside and I'm actually embarrassed for both of us. Leslie is cracking up.
When I get nervous, I pull out my cellphone and start texting. Leslie, meanwhile, starts putting HER dollar bills in front of me so she can enjoy watching me squirm in confusion when the stripper keeps coming over to me.
After the song is over, I tell Leslie I need to be drunk before I go in there again. We walk across the street to some margarita joint and we continue to pound drinks.
Leslie pulls us BACK into the strip club and by now the place is packed.
Leslie: I'm getting you a lapdance.
So@24: No dude, no. Seriously. And I'm not doing that thing where it's like, "Oh please don't surprise me on my birthday and tell the staff at Applebees!" and then you secretly do it and it's humiliating and everyone there gets a good laugh. I'm serious, Leslie. DON'T DO IT--
Suddenly. A tap on my shoulder.
Before I can even finish my sentence or even turn around to see who the mysterious tapper is, I glare at Leslie. Leslie smiles back.
Leslie: Have fun.
I shoot daggers.
Great. Now I have to act like I'm all excited to do this, because I feel like if I don't... I'm insulting my designated stripper. Wait a second... it's that awkward stripper from earlier! The one who tripped herself
So@24: (with feigned excitement) Hey... you!
Vanessa the Stripper: Ready?
So@24: Oh yeah. Totally, man. Totally.
Vanessa the Stripper grabs my hand. Oh fuck me. She's holding my hand? Am I holding hands with a stripper? This is weird man, this is weird, this is weird.
She leads me to this back room. It feels like I'm going to the SATs or something. I really, really don't want to do this.
I shit you not, the song she picks to dance to is Blink 182's "Always". I'm not sure how many people know this song, but it has to make the top list of songs NEVER to strip to (along side Eric Clapton's "Tears from Heaven" and John Williams "Back to the Future theme"). Not only are you stripping to a Blink 182 song, but the lyrics are depressing as hell. Especially when you're in the middle of a serious break up:
I've been here before a few times
And I'm quite aware we're dying
And your hands they shake with goodbyes
And I'll take you back if you'd have me
So Vanessa starts doing her thing.
Vanessa the Stripper: ...... .... ....?
So@24: What??
Vanessa the Stripper: I said, could you pull your chair closer?
So@24: Oh right. Uh sure. I couldn't hear you because the music... you know... it's loud.
Vanessa the Stripper: I know right?
So@24: Right.
Vanessa the Stripper then tries do some weird, fancy stripper move where she flips her leg over my shoulder. But because she's obviously a novice, she accidentally clips me on the shoulder. Hard.
Vanessa the Stripper: Oh my God! I'm so sorry!
So@24: It's cool. I'm okay.
So@24's inner monologue: I'm going to kill you Leslie.
And then she strips her underoos off. Do I look at this?? I feel like it's like the Lost Ark; you're not supposed to be looking directly at her greedy love hole or else your face melts off (that's right, TWO Raider's references).
Don't look at it!Shut your eyes, Marion!
Don't look at it, no matter what happens!
Don't look at it, no matter what happens!
Do I plaster a phony smile the entire time? Act like I'm getting my rocks off looking at this?
The song ends. Thank God.
Vanessa the Stripper: So, do I have you for another song?
So@24: Uh thanks, but no... um, my friend bought this for me. And... don't... have any... more... money. But it was nice. Thanks again.
Fuck.
I hate strip clubs.
Happy birthday, Leslie!