Chocolates, roses and the faint possibility of sex. Is this what valentine's day has become all about? The true beginnings of this day have been lost in the annals of time. Although there is a faint smell of earlier Christian martyrs all conveniently named valentine, and the British poet Chaucer. Valentine's day used to be about exchanging small hand written notes with cute unimaginative poems and trite phrases. With the faint hope that they will get you at least to third base. So what has changed?
The big multinational companies have decided that in addition to losing your dignity and possibly your virginity, you should also lose a little fat from your wallet. However, the faint hope of getting to third base still remains. So, what has changed is our media indoctrinated belief that we have to spend heaps of money for that faint hope.
Everyone knows that the gift that has the highest probability of getting you laid is a roofie. But since we all don’t have the balls -especially most women- to slip our partner one, let us look at the most common gifts that people give each other. We shall also rate them on the probability that you will get sex in return. This will be called he laid-ability factor. 100% means you're getting lucky and 0% means 'hello Mrs palm and her five daughters.' They are ranked in reverse order.
10. Hallmark card
Do not bother with this. The poem is written by a computer and an innocent tree was killed for the paper.
Laid-ability: Less than 0%. If your girlfriend is a tree hugger you may also face the possibility of grievous bodily harm - and I don't mean the enjoyable kind.
9. A single red rose
Nothing says ‘I couldn’t be bothered’ more than a single red rose.
Laid-ability: 0%.
8. Dozen red roses
12 times better than 9 above.
Laid-ability: 12 times 0%is still 0%.
7. Expensive Chocolates
Always a fairly safe bet. If you like betting on the three legged greyhound called ‘slowbiscuit.’
Laid-ability: 90% if she’s a fat sexy chocoholic. Be warned that the amount of chocolate required may vary depending on how fat the walrus is. And how badly you want to mount the animal. 0% if she’s a bulimic super model. So on average about 45%..
6. Sexy lingerie
Lingerie is a present for you, not for her. It will never look the same on her as it did on the chick who modeled it on the internet.
Laid-ability: 20%. Chances are you won’t even get to see her in it. But it shouldn’t matter because you can always go to the website where it was modeled on that ‘hot chick’ and spank the monkey.
5. Diamond ring
Expensive – only if you are rich. A platinum cobra which coils around the finger and has two huge 75 carat diamond eyes is very tasteful.
Laid-ability: 50%
4. Fake diamond ring
Same as above – except it’s genius. Unfortunately you still have to be rich or a bank robber, otherwise she will suspect something.
Laid-ability: Same as 4 above.
3 Exotic Car
Like an Enzo ferrari or a Honda Civic Type-R. Oh yeah! This is usually what a rich old pervert will give his girlfriend who is 50 years his junior.
Laid-ability: 75%. She will give the old fool a cheque for sex his poor dick won’t be able to cash.
2. Saying “I love you”
Please do not use this line if you are just looking for sex. Unless your partner is deaf, you only have 2 days to live, or you are a Necrophiliac pervert and you just eloped with someone from the mortuary- and I don't mean the attendant.
Laid-ability: 90%. Pre 'I love you' sex is like the lush Amazon forest. Full of anacondas, squealing animals and insatiable piranhas. Post 'I love you sex' is like Antarctica. Frozen, dead and if you go looking for action you'll probably do a 'Robert Scott' before you find anything.
1. Holiday in a way off resort.
Take your partner to a far off resort where there are no sudoku books, and the native fauna is really ugly. This way she will be so bored that she will be forced to have sex with you and not the native fauna - provided you are marginally more attractive than the fauna.
Laid-ability: 99.99%. Because when it comes to women and sex, there is no such thing as a sure thing.
As Mark Anthony said 'lend me your ears.' He did Cleopatra so he know what he's talking about.
Anyway, the best gift you can give a woman is your ears. Not literally like Van Gogh, but metaphorically like listening to what she has to say. Rasputin and Casanova didn't need chocolates and roses to get into womens' pants, so why do we? This Valentine's day give your partner something thoughtful and stay way from the mass produced, media supplied drivel.
