Taken from the Archives Pt. 1

I kept a short journal around the first couple of weeks after my breakup with Lynn. It's interesting to me that even though where I'm at a better place now, I still occasionally find myself still the victim of these moments that I describe. This entry was written only a few weeks after the breakup:

Another long, long weekend. I learned that you don't know what hell is like until you wake up at 6:23 in the morning and can't fall back asleep because you keep thinking about your girlfriend kissing/holding/napping with another guy. And no matter how many times I try to force myself to think of something else, it always comes back around. A million questions, scenerios, and visuals are like poison. It's so hard to finally be able to fall asleep.

My friend Robert came down from Seattle to visit his girlfriend. I'm not terribly close with Robert, but we've had some great times in college. He's one of those friends you get a call from once every 3 months and the call doesn't last long, but it doesn't really need to. I hadn't told him about what had happened, but he never calls me when he comes down to LA when he visits his girlfriend Tracey, so I was more than surprised when he did so on Friday afternoon:

Robert: Hey
So@24: Hey
Robert: How are you?
So@24: Not so well actually.
Robert: I heard.
So@24: Yeah.
Robert: Cancel whatever plans you have Saturday night. I'm picking you up at 8.
So@24: Wow. Uh. Okay, sure. That'd be great actually.
Robert: See you tomorrow

Saturday night came and I literally paced around the house all afternoon. My roommates were all gone and nothing is worse than being alone without distractions. After what seemed like an eternity, Robert picked me up a little after 9. I had called Robert earlier to see who all was coming: needless to say, I didn't want to be around another lovey couple all night + me. I was told we were going to a placed called The Cabana Club and that some of Tracey's friends were coming, but I had no idea what was in store.

We were all on "the guest list" but even then we waited in line for 30 mins. I had no idea this was a popular, cliche' LA club. Everyone is dressed to the 9s and they won't let you in unless you had a majority of girls with you. I am completely broke, but Robert was kind enough to float me my cover and drinks for the night. Tracey's friends show up and to my dismay it's another couple. My heart sinks. I'm going to be spending my Saturday night... at a trendy club... with two other couples.

The inside alone shows you why this place is popular. Spacious, with a pool in the middle (and a bridge over that). Walk down a hallway and you'll hit a separate HUGE room that is the dance floor. I pray that they don't dance. I wanted to be able to talk to Robert about my whole shitty situation, but it's too crowded and I don't want to bring it up with Tracey and her friends. The only time I can really fill him in is when him and I go and get drinks and that's not even sufficient over the music and the short time it takes to walk from the bar and then back.

Towards the end, Tracey grabs Robert and begs him to dance... so does Tracey's friend to her boyfriend. I give Robert the stare of death, but he keeps telling me to go. I politely shake my head and stand by myself shielding my embarrassment with text messaging friends pointless comments. I'm in disgust at all the women at the club. These aren't Lynn. I don't want to have to be forced to interact with these people. I want my girlfriend. I wonder what she is doing now and I find myself visualizing her at this very moment begging her new boyfriend to hit up the dance floor with her.

Finally, Robert and Co. come back from the floor and say they want to go home . I feel bad, because Robert paid for me to cheer me up, but it's only made things worse. On the ride back, Tracey tells me that she spent all last night moving... "where to I ask?". "Irvine" she replies. Figures. Lynn's town.

Robert follows me into the house to see if I am alright. It's finally a moment where I can talk to him, but it feels rushed and hurried since Tracey is in the car waiting. He just tells me the same thing everyone else does, "Chin up. If she loves you, she'll come back. You need to move on. If you need to talk to me, you can always call." And then he does something that no one else has done since this whole thing. He gives me a hug. And it's at that moment, I fight every urge to cry (and for those of you who know me, I am NOT a crier). It's only for about 5 seconds, but it's huge. He tells me again to "keep busy" and "no matter what I do, to not call her". I thank him and he leaves.