I couldn't believe I was hearing these words coming from my friend Chad's mouth. I was going to go to a fucking toga party. This was the only option available to me on my Friday. I tried to shamelessly invite myself up to San Francisco to get blasted with D, but she must not have picked up on the subtle desperation in my voice (or maybe the problem was, she did).
Well fuck. I had nothing else to do on a Friday night. And I wasn't about to spend it in my undies, sipping on Maker's Mark, watching back to back episodes of Freaks and Geeks for the third time.
Because then what would I do on Saturday? Doy.
So despite my better judgment, I grabbed an old sheet from my closet and fashioned myself an old fashioned toga.
I showed up at Chad's apartment with a six pack.
Chad: Well, it's time to put what you're always saying to the test...
So@24: They really need to bring back Sodalicious?
Chad: No. "Time to get drunk and make friends"
So@24: I only say that when we've discovered we don't know anyone at the party.
Chad: ...
So@24: You fucker. You don't know ANYone at the party? And it's a TOGA party??
Chad: An old coworker passed on the invite to me, but I don't even know if he'll be there.
Chad and I were going alone. To a toga party. At 25. Did I mention we didn't know anyone there? Like, at all?
* * *
You ever go to a party where there are too many attractive people? You just feel awkward and out of place? It's everything you've ever wanted, but you just can't get comfortable.
Maybe it was just my really short toga. I knew I cut that bitch too short.
Chad and I made our introductions and it wasn't too long before he had spotted his interest of the night. Chad leaned into a guy we had just met.
Chad: What's her story? She's cute.
Guy We Just Met: Well, her boyfriend is that huge tank right over there.
Chad: Shit.
Guy We Just Met: Don't let it get you down, they're on the rocks. She cheats on him all the time.
And that one little saying would foreshadow the rest of my night.
The thing you have to know about Chad is, he's a masochist; he has this unexplainable attraction to girls with boyfriends. Sucks him in like a tractor beam.
I'm not sure if I can convey how awkward it is to "run interference" for your friend while he blatantly hits on a girl, whose boyfriend is a few feet away.
I didn't know anyone besides Chad, so I wasn't going to leave his side. And the girl's boyfriend wasn't going to leave her side with Chad. So really, the boyfriend and I were forced to become friends and make conversation.
I'm not doing the awkwardness justice. Just take my word for it.
When I was finally able to peel Chad away from the girl, my social scientist brain wanted answers.
So@24: Chad, what are you thinking?? She has a boyfriend! He's here at the party!
Chad: You heard the guy! They're relationship is on the rocks! I'm just laying ground work.
Not wanting to sit around and try to make sense of Chad's warped logic, I was determined to have fun at this party
The dance floor was packed with young, beautiful Hollywood folk shaking their asses to Beyonce's "Single Ladies". Sweaty dudes rubbing their erections on the hips of girls just trying to dance in a circle with their friends. You know the drill.
It was time to see if this party could totally redeem itself. I walked up to the toga-draped DJ mixing behind the booth.
I asked him to play the classic toga/college-party song "Louie, Louie". His eyebrows furrowed, but he agreed to play it next.
As soon as he switched it to my song, a giant grin formed across my face and I turned to see the dance floor's reaction to MY amazing pick. I would be a legend!
One by one, the dance floor cleared.
"God I hate this town."
I sulked back to my backpack and pulled out my cellphone.
Maybe D was still up...