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Monday, September 29, 2008

Being a Closet Lesbian Doesn't Impress Me


"I mean, it's literally like someone took America by the East Coast and shook it, and all the normal girls managed to hang on."
- Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, 2005


I've spent a lot of this blog discussing what I like in girls, what I miss about girls, who would fit my ideal, etc.

I don't really have stories about what I don't like. And a pretty good example of something specific came up this weekend.

Since my roommate has taken off, I have gone through some steps to break out of my comfort zone and push Operation Branch Out into effect. This means: hanging out with a new group of folk.

When Leo left his job, he struck up a friendship with his replacement Marty. Marty invited me out to a karaoke bar in Santa Monica to meet up with some of his coworkers and their friends.

The happenings at the bar weren't anything to write home about. However the ride back home is where our story begins.

Our ride home is a coworker of Marty's who also has to take two other girls to their cars back in Hollywood. I'm automatically stuck in "bitch" (the middle seat in the back) because I'm the shortest. Big fucking surprise. Marty is on one side and this sloppy, drunk girl is on my other side.

Now here is what I have learned from my OWN personal experiences with LA girls and/or girls who are obsessed with LA. You're going to have to dig out your 3D specs in order to sift through the red and blue shit storm to find the cool ones.

Wanna-Be-Star-Fuckers are the worst. This girl went on and on about this one actor (who I've actually encountered and was a complete arrogant prick). She wouldn't shut up about him. I asked her if she was one of those people who thinks that the doctors on E.R actually know how to operate. She slurred/garbled something which I will take as a "defense", but I guess we'll never really know.

The worst part was that she started talking to Marty and me about some dream she had where she was in some threesome.

There are certain (see: shitty) girls that love discussing how they are closet lesbians. Or that they have always wondered what it'd be like to be with a girl. Or will defend to the death how girls are the best kissers so "why not". Or can recall a time when they made out with their best friends, but it was "no biggie".

Nice party trick. It's really transparent and fucking annoying. This girl had her eyes rolling in the back of her head while she spewed the same thing over and over again. Her head lolling back and forth.

We get it. You make out with girls, but you're still straight.

-golf clap-

Maybe I'm alone in this train of thought, but when girls go off on this... it annoys the hell out of me. I understand that this does happen and I'm not saying that this is a negative in any way. There's a HUGE difference when girls use it as a means to make yourself more attractive or cool; I don't get it. I'm not placing my Lisa Frank binder in front of my chub hoping to get in on some of that action. It makes me think that you really have nothing else to talk about and are trying to compensate for something.

I'm only half listening to you... when in actuality, I'm wondering what they do to make the Mystery Flavor in Dum Dums.


Goddammit.