A Visit Home

I've only been home twice since the break up in November. The first being Christmas, so that was especially hard. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel this time around. Some things are still pretty weird, even after this long, but there's something especially sad about that airport pickup. I was so used to have it be Lynn in her car with a huge grin on her face. But it was my cousin doing the pick-up, this time around.

Upon arriving at my house, I dropped my tiny carry-on in my old bedroom and because everyone was at work, I had the entire house to myself. I just kind of walked around taking everything in. A prom picture of Lynn and I that is still collecting dust in the family room is really the only physical reminder of her that remains in the house.

At one point, I walked past my front door and saw a little white car parked out outside of the house and my heart went in my throat. And for .45 seconds, I thought I experienced cardiac arrest. My palms were sweating and my heart nearly beat itself out of my chest. Her car used to ALWAYS be there. However, it was just my aunt needing to use the internet. I should have known better though... Lynn was never the type to do something so spontaneous as to show up at my house without notice.

I wrote her an email a week before my trip home. We hadn't had any contact for almost 5 months (texts, emails, phone calls, letters). It was very short, very to the point:

Hello L,

How are you? I'm going to be in town for a little bit (I fly in next Tuesday morning) before I leave for a family reunion (dad's side... -shudder-) and I thought that if you were up for it, we could meet up for a bit. Lunch or something. I don't know. I'm in Tuesday and I fly back to LA on Sunday.

Haven't seen you in awhile and I'd love to catch up. Let me know what you think. If not, I hope you are doing well.

- Me

I guess I just wanted to see her and see how she's doing. No tricks or trying to get her back or anything like that. I believe it was just as simple as wanting to see her and see how she is doing. After all, she was my best friend for 6 years.

I debated whether or not to write it for weeks and when I finally made my decision, I only told two people about the email; my friend Rick and my cousin Mimi. I didn't even tell my roommate, Leo.

Mimi was not pleased with the idea:

Mimi: do what you want
i just hate that you give in to her
she doesn't deserve it.
So@24: You really think I take it up the ass from her?
Mimi: it's like you're the only that wants to ever make an effort or try to be friends
i don't think you take it up the ass, i just think you care way more than she does
Mimi: in a way
i don't understand why you're not mad at her
why you STILL want to see her
Mimi: you think her new boyfriend is the only reason holding her back from being friends with you?
So@24: The only reason? No.
Mimi: you think Lynn would allow a boy to hold her back like that... and if so... i am right... she obviously doesn't care to be friends that much if she's allowing him to control her friendships
So@24: But I think it's an enormous part that shouldnt be underestimated
Mimi: all signs point to she doesn't care enough
if she cared, like you care, she would have done it
SHE was the one that said no contact
you're just going back there to further dig stuff up
unnecessary stuff .
So@24: i just dont see how you can just be so black and white about everything
Mimi: This is what i see: a girl that dumped you and immediately dated someone else
a girl that you know has done a 180 COMPLETELY
a girl that said "my boyfriend won't allow me to contact you"
and 10 months down the road
you still want to see her
maybe i'm blind, but you tell me the gray areas
So@24: maybe i'll think about it
everything you've said makes sense and trust me, i've thought about it a million times
i really dont think im being a sucker here and i dont think im being taken advantage of
Mimi: you're not being taken advantage of
you're just caring more than the other person cares
and that's shitty

Rick had a completely different point of view... one that mirrored mine. He said that it showed "maturity" and that it never hurts to try and extend the olive branch. He told me to listen to an anecdote of This American Life*, because it reminded him of my scenario. "I don't think it's ever too late. You just never know what people need to know"

I never got a reply back from her. And we never met up when I was in town. But I'm glad I at least tried.


*The story is called "By Proxy". Start it at 44:45 if you're really interested in hearing it. Act III: Redemption