Operation Branch Out

Searching through my gchat archives, I found a conversation between my roommate Leo and myself shortly after my breakup with Lynn.

I was cracking up in my lil' cubicle. Here's hoping you'll do the same.

* * *

February 21st, 2007

Leo: Well, I didn't want to have to do this but...

-walks over to map of the world, pulls down on cord-
-flipFLAPLFAPLFAP... reveals war-map of Los Angeles-

Leo: Operation Branch Out is hereby deployed

-pushes figurines into place-

.... As you can see, our location has changed
So@24: -nervously pulls off infantry helmet and holds in hands-

-hastily tries to fix hair-

So@24: Thanks for having me, General.
Leo: Evening, Private. You got here just in time.

-smacks pointer against map-

So@24: -flinches-
Leo: We've been getting unconfirmed reports from the western conflict zone of sightings of three regiments of Puhsee. While we can't substantiate these rumors, we have no other intel at this time to act upon.
So@24: -pulls out dusty, crumpled notepad from breast pocket and a tiny nub of pencil.- -Begins writing furiously-
Leo: It's long been known that the Western Front is rift with these elusive squadrons of Puhsee. Finding thing them isn't necessarily the hard part. Bringing them down is.
So@24: Goddamn those fucking Puhsees.
Leo: So let's go over our options. SO@24! Whattya got for me on the potential inroads to the Western zone??
So@24: N-n-n-nothing, sir. We haven't had any sighting or promising locales for months now.
Leo: ... I beg your pardon?

-strides up to Pvt. So@24, gets nose to nose-

Goddammit, that's not an acceptable answer.

-spit flies from mouth-

So@24: Flushing these Puhsees isn't easy, sir. Men have been trying to do so since the dawn of time, but these Puhsees have proven to be quite elusive and they're very hard to penetrate. So to speak.
Leo: -pulls up on pants from belt, leans back and inhales deeply-
What was our last known contact from the west?
So@24: That one is long gone sir. We monitored and had that particular Puhsee for a record of 6 years. But we lost it sir, we lost it. Since then, no potentials or anything promising. My squadron doesn't know what to do. My men are DYING out there, sir. DYING.
Leo: Do we have any leads anywhere on the western front that could just lead us to a potential hot zone?
So@24: We haven't really "branched out" sir. We have set up our camps in zones that are familiar to us. All the Puhsee have been accounted for and are either under the supervision of another squadron or they are just too dilapidated to waste any of our resources on.
Leo: It's going to be a long, dry summer...
So@24: That's what we're afraid of, sir.
Leo: JOHNSON! Bring me the intel on the East LA whorehouses.

-Johnson turns to leave-

WAIT!

-cue music... low snare drum march-

So@24: -gulp-
Whorehouses, sir?
Leo: - piccolo flutes chime in, a light and triumphant melody-
East LA...

-pacing-

Leo: Yes... yes if we.. just maybe...
So@24: Do we have any contacts out in East LA sir? What Puhsee are you thinking of??
Leo: Quite a while ago there was a skirmish, nothing substantial, but a skirmish nonetheless...
A contingent of our men happened across a camp of Puhsee under the command of M. Jeggs The other Puhsee that this Jeggs brought to the battlefield was formidable, but they were young, impressionable...
Leo: green.
Leo: and pink, of course.
Leo: Perhaps avenues can be made along those lines...
So@24: I had high hopes for our informant one L. Eslie. I had high hopes that she would guide our troops to Puhsee known only as (Name of Soap Opera Celeb Redacted). Our last sting operation was almost blown, but I believe that this message posted on MySpace by (NOSOCR) confirms that there still might be a chance for a meeting of storts to take place.
Leo: You shoot for the top, Private. I like that in a soldier.
I'm placing you with sole responsibility of this Operation Puhsee (NOSOCR). Make it happen.
So@24: If we are unable top capture (NOSOCR) herself as she is a high ranking official, I still have faith that she can also lead us to others Puhsee.
Leo: The clock is ticking. I want an operation this weekend.
So@24: T-t-this weekend, sir?

-fumbles helmet in hand-
-takes a step forward-

That's not much time, sir. Surely you don't expect us to pull off an operation of this magnitude so soon!
Leo: Tide and tide wait for no man, Private. The board is set. The pieces are moving.
So@24: Sir...

-musters up courage-

I strongly suggest you reconsider your orders. Being too persistent under such stringent deadlines will almost inevitably blow our sting with this particular contact. I'll send one message, but if we do not hear a reply, I'm afraid I'll have to pull our troops back to high ground.
Leo: Then I suggest you get on it, Private.
Dismissed.
So@24: -salutes, puts helmet back on head-
-helmet slumps over, covering eyes-
-turns on heel, marches, runs into wall-
Leo: Goddammit, Private So@24. The door is to your right.

-opens flask, takes a swig-
-grimaces-

So@24: Yes sir. Of course sir.

-quickly opens door and closes it... it's the closet-

Leo: You just earned yourself duty time cleaning the deck. Report upstairs immediately.
So@24: -opens door, a pink bra is on top of the helmet-
Yes sir. Sorry sir!
Leo: Uh Private? On your head...please leave that in the close. It's uh... for... evidence... exhibits for trail...

-mumble-

personal intel recon sit...-rep...data

-mumble-