A Woman's Guide To Man (Star Wars)

Almost half the world's population have difficulty understanding the idea of 'star wars.' The problem with this is the fact that the ignorant half is the half with all the boobies. i.e. women. For all the women out there who want to get into the pants of a geek, this guide is specially crafted for both of you. Listed below are the movies in chronological order based on the storyline. However, their release order is 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3. Yes confusing - I know.

1 The Phantom Menace - Young Anakin Skywalker meets his future wife and jedi mentor
2 Attack of the Clones - Anakin grows up into a poofter and gets to bone princess Amidala.
3 Revenge of the Sith - Poofter fathers two kids -Leia, Luke. Turns into Darth Vader.
4 A New Hope - Luke Skywalker and team blow up the first death star
5 Empire Strikes Back - Luke finds out that Vader is his dad, and surprise, surprise the empire has another death star
6 Return of the Jedi - Rebels destroy the final death star.

Here is a summary of all that you will ever need to know about star wars, because let's face it, you'll have any geek at beechewawa.

The Force
This is something like telekinesis, basically it's moving objects without touching them. Imagine guys being able to rip off women's clothes from afar, or women being able to mind control men? We'd get a whole lot of nude women watching TV and sipping pina coladas while guys were doing all the ironing. The older you get the more powerful your force is.

Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader
He's the real bad ass bad guy, but sort of cool too. He's a Jedi turned to the darkside, because he lost his mother, is scared of losing his wife and was a bit of a poof in the first three movies. Turning into D. Vader has gives him some street cred. He's Luke's and Leia's father but they don't know it.

Luke Skywalker
He's the hero, but he doesn't get the girl or kill the bad guy. As a matter of fact the bad guy turns out to be his father, and the girl whose throat he tries to ram his tongue down turns out to be his sister. If this were a chick flick it would be a disaster. If it were a porn movie it would be legend!

Princess Leia
Every geeks wet dream. She's a princess and Luke's twin sister. Which makes Darth Vader her father. What was George Lucas thinking when he dressed her in a skimpy metal bikini and put her next to a big filthy slimy slug monster in Return of the Jedi? I'll tell you what he was thinking! He was thinking that it would be the most wankable scene in sci-fi history and every geek would go out and buy a copy of his movie, lots of the tacky Leia merchandise and 10+ rolls of toilet paper.

HanSolo
He's the guy who gets to bone Leia in the end. He is the cavalier, womanizing, chauvinistic dude you find in most Mills and Boon romances. He gets to 'teach' the prissy little chick (Leia) in the end. Incidentally he has a pet gorilla called Chewbacca. Did we mention he gets to bone Leia?

Obi Wan Kenobi
Jedi master. Trained Anakin when he was small. Tried to kill Anakin just after Annie turned bad. Did a lousy job of it too. Just like he botched Annie's training. As Jedis go, this guy is a train wreck waiting to happen.

R2D2 and 3PO
These two are like Starsky and Hutch or Tarzan and Cheetah or maybe Dolce and Gabanna, except that they are not chimps nor are they gay faggots who have fallen out with each other. They offer light comic relief. R2D2 makes little farty sounds and C3PO speaks 10 billion languages.

Yoda
He's the Jedi master, he's over 800 years old so his erections may be week but the force is very strong. He's a bit like ET, only difference is he's better animated and he's got a light saber instead of a phone. He trains Luke in the force.

Beam me up Scotty - back to geek central.

10 Hottest and Sexiest Sci-Fi Women Ever!

"Woman" is a subject that does not frequent the Geek mind. However, once is a while a woman comes along that completely blows (no pun inteded) every male, and some female geeks away. For a period of time that woman will occupy his mind, his desktop and his right hand will be named after her. These women can appear out of nowhere. Usually though, they pop out of movies, games and cartoons. This article has grouped together in no particular order, arguably the 10 hottest chicks of all time, spanning all ages and all forms of media. Chicks that are guaranteed to have given thousands of nerds and geeks thousands of lumps in their pants.

Lara Croft - This collection of pixels went straight from the screen and into your pants. She's hot, carries an arsenal of deadly firearms, is a fabulous gymnast, and does what you tell her to do - except that, Eidos didn't program that. Many bespectacled, hunch-backed and pimply boys fantasied about being her and being inside her. Many tissues fell in the war to clean keyboards and monitors in the aftermath. This tomb raider was responsible for taking the first-wank virginity of many a nerd. Pics

Seven-of-Nine - Who hasn't fantasized doing a sixty-nine with seven-of-nine? The poor Borg! Little did they know that their implants, far from assimilating seven-of-nine, would make everyone want to implant something in her. It's a pity that no one took advantage of her quest to be more human by showing her that unlike the Borg's electromechanical implants, there are less painful sausage like biological ones. Hottest most do-able Borg ever. Pics

Princess Leia - There is something kinky and perverted seeing Leia in a super sexy metal bikini and a fat, slimy and ugly Jabba the Hutt slavering close to her. You almost want Jabba to do something nasty to the princess. Dang, if I was Jabba, that metal bikini would have been in the Rancor pit and I would have been on top of Leia's fair naked body. The kit has also become very popular with the cosplay community. So for all you leia freaks out there, there are a lot of Leia look-a-likes around. All you need is a van with tinted windows, a blackjack and some masking tape. Pics

Col. Wilma Deering - Hot Damn! Spacechips, lasers, planets, aliens and Colonel Deering in incredibly short skirts. How much could a little boy take? Buck Rogers delivered on every level. Added to this volatile mix is the fact that I was probably small enough to look up her skirt! The episode where telepathic midget aliens try, and partly succeed at unbuttoning her tunic seems to be indelibly imprinted in my mind. Pics

Wonder Woman - A beautiful woman running around in a swimsuit and boots. Her super heroine suit may look positively prudish in today's Wicked Weasel micro bikini age. However, back then, it was ultra sexy. Those blue briefs, red high heel boots, that lustrous black hair and the lasso of truth were just plain wholesome. She could have lassoed my heart or any other body part, any day. Pics

Ellen Ripley - You don't get much tougher than this girl. She's running around in panties and a singlet, but you know that if you try to mess with her, she will rip your balls off, put them in your mouth and stick her boot so far up your ass, that she will kick you in the nuts. Just ask those bad-ass aliens she put to rest. Ain't nothing sexier than a chick in panties holding a weapon of mass destruction. i.e Ripley giving me a handjob.

Uhura - The hot communications officer aboard the original USS Enterprise. She's also the first black chick to appear in a major TV series and was a participant in tv's first interracial kiss with James T. Kirk. She made that boring federation uniform look hot and those thighs looked like they could strangle a lucky alligator. Her short skirts always threatened upskirt, but sadly never delivered. I'd like to teleport her uniform to the edge of the universe, and herself onto me. Pics

Aika Sumeragi - More white panties than a fastidious convent. With panty flashes every 20 odd seconds who can fault this anime creature of repressed sexuality? With legs that literally start from her neck and end up 3 feet under the earth, she's the leggiest blond around and is not afraid to use those pins in some serious round-house kicks. The Japs are obviously obsessed with panties and young looking women, i.e namasera, burusera etc. But we can enjoy this without going to a perverted extreme. Pics

Samus Aran- This is probably my personal choice. When I first played Metroid on the NES with my brother, we were blown away at the end when the bounty hunter removed it's helmet to reveal beautiful flowing hair. There was shock, horror and yes, even outrage at first. But these soon turned to worship. She was my first (heroine), and you never forget your first. My NES is now probably buried in a dump somewhere with cockroaches using it as a home, but Samus still lives on in my mind.

Sexy babe no. 10 -This last slot is a place holder for you. Who gave you a lump in your pants?

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Life Help For Geeks, Nerds and Dorks

You're a geek with no social life outside of your computer and no friends outside your tissue box. You know what happened in all the episodes of TOS, TNG, DS9 & Voyager. You know how to hot-wire R2D2, you know how long Yoda's dick is and you fantasize about princess Leia. Oh, yeah! welcome to land of the geeks. People say we have no social skills, motor skills and we cannot attract the opposite sex. They are probably correct! So, here is a multi-part article on how a geek/nerd/dork and learn to be less geeky/nerdy/dorky and eventually, even get laid- by a real woman!

Geeks guide to the opposite Sex
The first article in this series is about girls. How to meet and greet a girl. No, your sexy sister and milf mum do not count. It's hard to meet a girl when you never get up from World of Warcraft. And, the hot women you come across on the social networks sound suspiciously like little nerds using female avatars so they can touch themselves. Plus, Let's face it, I've never seen an attractive geek so chances are you ain't that pretty.

1. Acclimatization. First you need to go someplace where there are real women- Not the morgue- I mean real live women. The supermarket, Uni or the local shops are ideal. Ask your mum if you can get anything for her from the shops so you have an excuse to go to these places. Observe the women and try not to giggle and try not to get a hard-on.

2. First Contact. After a few outing, when you next pass a woman along an aisle, or in a corridor at your Uni, you might want to drag your eyes off her breasts and look at her face, smile and say a casual Hi. It would help if your geek mind was to stop imagining every woman in some hentai leather suit in the course of the 'Hi', so your eyes don't look like lascivious x-ray goggles.

3. Engage! Next, stretch your Hi, to 'Hi, nice day isn't it?' or some other mundane non-sci-fi comment. Target quite a few girls and select the ones with the most encouraging responses, i.e. the one that don't slap you across the face. You should then focus your energies on these women. You might soon be having decent conversations with them as time->oo (infinity).

Do talk about

• Homework - too much of it and why it sucks.
• TV shows you may find excruciatingly lame, like ER, desperate housewives, and if she's fat and black, then Oprah Winfrey
• Ask her questions about herself - not bra size, and thong color, but 'what she did over the week end, how she found the last assignment etc.
• Tell her how good her boobs look and that you can just make out the outline of her nipple if you look hard enough- just kidding moron. Have you learned nothing yet?
  

Do NOT talk about

• Star trek, especially seven-of nine, especially in that figure hugging painted-on spandex.
• Star wars, especially princess Leia, especially in that hot little bikini number.
• Calculus or computers or any form of mathematical, computerific or science-fictionistic mumbo jumbo.
• Basically anything that interests you.

4. To seek out new life. Now let's find a non-threatening place(for you) where you can meet a nice girl that doesn't need an air-pump. How about a convention? You get heaps of star trek, star wars, gaming, comics and cosplay conventions. Why not try there? Be warned, that because female 'trekkies' are few and far between, competition for this scarce resource is fierce. But you have prior training. You can look at a woman's eyes and not at her breasts. You can talk to a woman for 1 minute without a single reference to Darth Maul or Jean Luc Picard.

5. Patience. Coruscant wasn't built in a day. If you can kill 100 million wild boars to increase your skill level to 60 in World of Warcraft, then you can easily stick to this plan.

6. Boldly go where no man(geek) has gone before. 1st base! I'm not going to tell you how to get a woman's bra off, because if you can eliminate the Locust Horde and destroy the Flood, a bra clasp is child's play. You can practice on your sister's bra. Preferably while your sister is wearing it. What the heck you might as well practice first base on her too if she's hot.

Stay tuned for the Geeks Guide to recreational drugs and alcohol. Coming soon.